Hell, Or Something Like It

This past week was, without a doubt, the worst week I've ever had in terms of pain - length and severity. In retrospect, it's been a trying couple months and this week was just a culmination of everything.  Yay.

The Law Enforcement Memorial service was held on May 15. Dad's name was read, since he died this past year. That was the straw that broke the camel's back, I think. It wa

I woke up a week ago Saturday with my hands and feet just burning up, my sure sign of a flare. Then my MIL ended up back in the hospital with complications from her gallbladder surgery, and it went downhill from there. It was like riding a roller coaster between pain and feeling okay, but it would just hit in waves which sent me back to bed on and off until Saturday this week. I've never had 6 days of feeling so bad in a row before. Once you get fibro, you never have what used to be a normal day, but this past week was hard to deal with. I made it though. It was held outside, but it was cool and windy. Missy and Tony got there first, so they held places for everyone in the front row. In the sun. Not good - sun exposure had always been my nemesis. The ceremony was very moving. Garry Grand was a speaker, and he mentioned dad by name. That was hard. He was supposed to be our escort up to the memorial to put a rose in the wreath but Me land I decided to just let Missy do it. She loves attention, let her have it. I dislike Garry more than I need attention. Afterward, at the luncheon, she and Garry sat apart from the rest of the family. All her kids were there - they sat with us. We all went to the cemetery to leave the yellow roses we got. It was too cold and windy, plus Sarah had to be at work shortly afterward, so we didn't stay long. Meg and Jason were there for the whole thing, but not Matt or Margaret. It would have been nice if Steve would have gone, but he didn't.  Bob wanted to come, but mom was still in the hospital... at last it was over.

There's a memorial service at the Vet's home tomorrow,  but I'm not going. Garry and Wendy are going. No thanks. I'm done for this year. It's 6 months today (well, actually yesterday, I'm just up late... Six months. I never imagined it would be this difficult. Never.

Road trip to see Dad

Mel, Meg, and I went to GI to see dad today. His birthday is Tuesday, but we went today since Mel and Meg couldn't get off work to go. We had a good day, probably should have had an earlier start, but we had a good time. Took dad to Applebee's for a late lunch and he got serenaded by the wait staff and got a warm brownie sundae. He was pleased. We had a really good time, actually. Nice sister, aunt, niece, daughter bonding time. We got dad a pair of Husker pajama pants and a Husker ball cap and he was thrilled. He had to show everyone his hat. I got a picture of him and Leland, I just like Leland a lot and I feel sorry for him being all by himself. His wife has passed away and they didn't have children. He's very much alone and he was so thrilled when dad gave him that Fossil watch for his birthday. After lunch we took dad to WalMart and he got his cargo pants and a few other things he needed, so he was happy about that. I hate the fact that he's so far away too, it seems like we drive so far and so long to see him and only get to spend a couple hours with him and then it's back home again. I'm glad he likes it there though, and everyone is so good to him!

I came home and downloaded the pictures Meg and I took today - and then I had a good cry. Who knows what the situation will be next year at this time? The fact is, dad has dementia and who knows where that will take us in the next year. That, and the fact that he is 79 years old this year... How many more years will we get to celebrate birthdays with him? Thank God he has some Albrecht genes that make him strong as a horse so physically I think he'll be around for awhile, it's really the mental part that I worry most about. It's so hard to watch a loved one disappear into a place you can't go. Truly, the body is just a shell with the person locked inside after while - I don't want to watch this with dad, I just don't know if I can bear it. I feel like sometimes I'm the one bearing the brunt of that burden. I know Mel is working and sleeping and doesn't have the same amount of time I do, but I hurt for dad when he calls and asks where Mel is because she won't answer the phone when she sees his number. And Missy... Psssssh.  As if she'd ever care about anyone but herself. She promised dad when he moved that she be out "for sure" once a week, and probably twice. So far she's made one trip out there - to pick him up for AJ's wedding, and Mel and I took him back. Sometimes she answers the phone, but most of the time she doesn't, so obviously she's about as much help as a blow torch in hell. As usual She's now at Ray's almost all the time, of course leaving Medusa for Mel to take care of. Just like dumping her kids when something else strikes her fancy. Not sure yet what we're going to do with Buster, I think we're going to end up having to put him down... I'm not going to worry about it. I'm not going to worry about the utilities being paid or anything else. However, I am going to have to decide what to do with the life insurance that Missy is allegedly paying for. Dad has $200 left over after we pay his maintenance fee at Grand Island. Out of that I have to take $70 a month for his cable bill, and the rest is his to spend. If Missy thinks he's going to pay for the insurance she's telling everyone she's paying for, she can think again. That would give him a grand total of $30 for spending money for the month. If he gets a haircut at the barber shop at the home, that's $10, and if he buys a carton of cigarettes, that's $32, and we're already in the hole. I know he needs the burial insurance, but he can't afford it, it's that simple. And let's not even consider the $600 she owes Mel for her cell phone bill because she went 400 minutes over the plan last month. So now Mel will probably lose her phone too. What a mess... And that's how it was today, Sunday November 13, 2011.

S-A-T-U-R-D-A-Y!

Gun show in Grand Island today, so Steve and I met Tom and Dave at Chances 'R for breakfast and then Steve dropped me off to visit with dad while he went to the gun show. We had a good visit. I had lunch with him and we watched the Nebraska game for awhile until Steve came back. He kind of got scolded from the nurses for letting his friend from 2nd floor, Harold, have cigarettes. Harold isn't supposed to be smoking and if dad gets caught giving him smokes, dad will lose his right to smoke. Apparently, he's been told that several times, but he forgets. His memory has really gotten a lot worse in the last month. Last weekend he asked Mel twice who Sarah was. Today I took the photo album I made for him and there was a picture of Amber, AJ, and Tony all together and dad asked me if they were "two brothers and a sister". I told him yes, they were Missy's kids and he seemed kind of surprised. I'm a little worried about how quickly he seems to be forgetting things. He has a followup visit with the doctor at the clinic on Monday, his 30-day checkup, so I'm going to call and leave a message with her.

Dad also has a wild idea about flying home from Grand Island for Thanksgiving. He doesn't like the long car ride. She wanted me to get online last night and check and I totally forgot, so I was going to do it while I was with him this afternoon, but there was someone on the computer for his unit, so I had to do it when I got home tonight. I used Priceline.com to look for the cheapest fare for Thanksgiving weekend. Ha ha ha... It costs $956!!! The I noticed there was one stop. I was trying to figure out where a plane was going to have a stop between GI and Omaha. Surely they can't even gain enough altitude between take offs and landings... Then I saw the stop over was in DALLAS, TEXAS!!! Can you imagine, Grand Island to Dallas to Omaha. How stupid is that? Plus the flight departs from GI at 2:55 p.m. and lands in Omaha at 8:15 p.m. And dad thought the drive to Omaha was long! And I'm sure I'd trust him alone in the Dallas airport. Not.

I talked to Mel tonight so I could finally get dad's checking account figured out after the money Mel and I spent for him last weekend. Missy is on a tear again about how I owe him $40 for that damn Nebraska flag... She can take it and stick it where the sun doesn't shine. I was especially ticked off when dad had about $100 less than I thought - because his burial insurance premium had been taken out of his checking account and - get this, Missy hasn't put any money in the account. She goes around telling everyone she pays for dad's burial insurance because she supposedly puts the money in his account every month, but she must have forgotten last month. Probably too worried about the $40 that I supposedly owe him for a flag I don't want. I wonder if she's ever put any money in his account... Mel was saying Missy probably wouldn't have the money this month either, since the cell phone bill is over $600 because they went over their minutes last month. Of course, Mel had told her they were running low on minutes and only use the phone when it was necessary over a week ago, which meant nothing to Missy, Pretty sure she's been on the phone nearly every waking minute since then. I don't know what it is that makes her absolutely incapable of understanding ANYTHING that anybody tells her.

For two freaking years we have tried and tried, and tried some more to get her to act like a responsible adult. Mel and Jeremy asked her time and time again to please be home every other weekend so Mel could have a weekend off. She agrees, but never followed through. Even after they asked her, Mel and I talked to her one evening and I told her she really needed to stay home every other weekend so Mel and Jeremy could take some time to go fishing or something. Oh absolutely, she totally agreed that was fair, and she still never stayed home - took off on Friday and if they were lucky she came back Sunday night. She was sitting right next to dad when he drank the anti-freeze, I told her when he came home that she had to get up and WATCH him during the day. I explained that he was like a little kid, you couldn't leave him unattended. Oh yeah, she understood, no problem. I don't think she ever woke up before 12:30 or 1 in the afternoon. Dad called Jimmy John's to have them deliver a sandwich for his lunch because she was always sleeping. Never mind that he needed a shot of insulin before lunch. He just went without. God forbid she miss some sleep! She also would take him down to Boyd and Charlie's and drop him off so he could eat. Once, he tried walking home because nobody saw him leave - they were supposed to call Missy when he was done, so she could come get him.  What the hell? I think she has some kind of brain damage from all the crap she takes or something. Either that or she's mentally challenged. What kind of idiot drops off and elderly person with memory problems and then depends on the staff at the restaurant to watch that person?

Every single time she talks to dad, she brings up the fact that I haven't paid for the flag. She doesn't know where the money is going... She thinks I'm taking money... To hell with her. I've finally realized the reason she's so worried that I'm taking money from dad is because she stole money from grandma. She thinks e'veryone is like her, no morals, no problem. Surely if she's a thief, then everyone is a thief. I can't wait until Mel can move out and we can give the mortgage company the keys and I can be done with that stupid jackass. I have been fastidiously keeping receipts and keeping every detail about the checking account and then I have to deal with her crap. She called last week and wanted me to call her, I'm not going to call her. I'm not going to talk to her ever, if I can help it.

Last weekend when dad was home for AJ's wedding, she was just rude and snotty to him every chance she got and she was pissed off because she had to get him ready for the wedding. Welcome to responsibility, idiot.  Then she asked Wendy to sit at the family table and leaves dad to sit with us when obviously he should have been sitting there with them and not that stupid bitch. Dad was really hurt and that's why he wanted to leave before the toasts were made or the cake was cut. Did she think about that? Hell no, not Miss Inconsiderate. As long as she had her friends sitting with her is all she cared about.  I'm just sick of her beyond words, and I'm sick of her manipulating dad every time she doesn't get her way. Idiot. I'm so tired of her selfish, sorry ass.  There, now I feel better! Ha ha ha...  You know what I hate worse? That she gets to me like this. I wish I could just blow her off, but it's maddening for some idiot to accuse you of things that you aren't doing - oh, and then to say to my face last week, "I would never accuse you of taking money from dad". Oh my God, I just want to vomit.

Other than that cross to bear, things have been going well. I think I'm going to make an appointment to see Dr. Wildy again. I do think I need I rheumatologist and I don't know where else to go. I'd like to get back into aquatic therapy, that would be great. I'd love to be able to go back to Immanuel's fitness center, but I think unless I get a part-time job, that's out of the question. I'll have to just settle for therapy, so the insurance will pay for it. I wonder if aquatic therapy even helps with MCTD, if that's what this is... Frustration isn't good for the fibro part of this, if tonight is any indication.

Steve shampooed the office and the hallway tonight. I'd love to be able to put new carpet in those rooms. I'm already thinking that Hailey's room is going to have to be used for dad - when he comes home for the weekends. I don't think he's realized that he won't be able to stay at his house when nobody is living there. Plus, when he's home, Mel has to be working and God knows Missy is worthless in that regard, so he'll be here and everything is on all one level. Which reminds me, Mel fell down the stairs at the house today - complete with a cup of hot coffee. She pulled her shoulder pretty good, so hopefully she didn't tear her rotator cuff or anything. Already wondering what we're going to do about her recovering from surgery in December. Oy....

Hope the rest of the weekend is good for everyone else!!!

Whew! What a WEEK!!!

It wasn't even a whole week, but it seriously kicked my BUTT!  Thursday started the ball rolling. I got up, had my hair cut and highlighted, and then went to lunch with Gale and Pete. Ruger had an appointment with the vet at 2:40, so I got him there on time - actually a bit early, and then went home to crash. Friday I got up early to take dad shopping at JC Penney's for his outfit for AJ's wedding. We had gotten the suit coat and pants in Grand Island, but he was convinced the pants weren't going to fit him since he hadn't tried them on. I went over there Friday morning and had him try them on. Yay! They fit. However, his belts were all about 6" too small, so we had to go shopping for a belt anyway. Just on a lark I had him try on the white dress shirt we had gotten him and found that a 17-1/2" neck wasn't big enough! Augh!

Got the shirt and all it's attachments into a bag, got dad into the car and set off for Oak View Mall. We found a belt and he wanted an extra, so we got two... Then we tried to find a shirt. Couldn't find the guy with the tape measure, so with the assistance of some Penney's employees, we opened a boxed shirt so he could try it on. About halfway through the process the employee with the tape measure showed up. "I measure so you don't have to open those boxes" he informed us in a really snotty tone of voice.  I told him the staff had been looking for him for over 10 minutes, but dad was getting very unsteady on his feet, so they helped us open the box and get the shirt out. Then he says in an even snottier tone of voice, "You better hope that fits him".  Like what are you gonna do if it doesn't asshat? I'll tell you what, if dad hadn't been with me (which would have made the trip pointless anyway) I would have thrown the damn shirt on the floor and walked out. Instead, I left the straight pins scattered all over the rack when we left with the shirt - which DID fit!

After we finished shopping, we went to Big Fred's for lunch and then to Verizon to try and update his phone. He was mad because he can't update without Marc's permission, but then when he saw that he'd have to update to a smartphone, he decided to keep the one he has. Good call there, dad.

Saturday was busy - we hadn't even bought a wedding present for Aaron and Emily yet, and the wedding started at 4:30. Since I had slept until 11, we had to get moving. Went to Kohl's and got some things that were on their registry. I hope they're happy with them. Then we had to stop at Walgreen's for a prescription (which I found out needed a new prescription), wrapping paper, and something else, which I can't for the life of me remember...

Oh, and I had looked all over Westroads Friday night for something to wear to the wedding. When you work at home for 3 years and then don't work at all for 2 years, your wardrobe tends to shrink to only sweats and jeans. We went everywhere, CJ Banks, Penney's (deja vu), Younkers and even Von Mauer. I did find a sweater and shell I liked at VM, and it was only $238!!! Clearly, I was in over my head financially, so we left.  Oh yeah, that's what else I got at Kohl's - a sweater!

After we left Kohl's, we headed to Cabela's, where I got a pair of Ugg boots! I was so excited - and they only cost me $25!  Steve had $100 in Cabela points and a $25 off postcard, so they only cost me $25!!! They're the black knit kind, don't bind on the ankle at all and I love them! Looked ridiculous at the wedding with one Ugg and my darn ortho boot, but other people looked just as ridiculous in their too tight dresses and 4" heels, so I wasn't alone!

The wedding was so beautiful! Aaron and Emily have been together for a long time, compared to others in our family and they seem very happy. I hope they have a long, happy life together. Hopefully, someone has learned from my mistakes! We left about the time they cut the cake, Mel had to go to work, Missy was tanked and wanted to stay until the end anyway, so I had to go to the house and stay with dad. Not too bad, as dad just wanted to eat a bowl of cereal and then he went to bed. I got home about 10:45, but it felt like about 2 in the morning, I was just so tired.

This morning I slept until 11:30. I truly tried to get up earlier, but I was sooooo tired, it wasn't going to happen, so I slept until I couldn't sleep anymore. Then I had to get up and we had to go shopping for groceries and for Carol's birthday present. We came home, put the groceries away, grabbed a quick lunch (I had no breakfast) and wrapped her present and off we went to their house! I couldn't figure out what to get her. I wanted to get her more than just a Koh'ls gift certificate. That's what we always get Nell and, well, to be honest, I think more of Carol than I do Nell, and I want to get her something special. Only problem is, I didn't know what. We stopped at ShopKo on the way home from the grocery store, I thought maybe we could get her a movie - boring, I know - but she does enjoy movies... We found out that their sets of "Murder She Wrote" were half off, so we got her the first two seasons - SCORE! And she loved it! I also grabbed a calendar for her called "Bad Cats", which she really enjoyed, so I guess we did a good job! Matt and Magann came over, and eventually Meg showed up too, so we had another nice family day. Tonight I'm exhausted!!! Just typing this and trying to remember what I've done since Thursday was exhausting!

Tomorrow Mel and I are taking dad back to Grand Island. Missy is supposed to, but she had a headache all day today. Hangover, not migraine. But I'm betting money she'll end up going to the hospital sometime - heck, she may be there as we speak, and then she'll be out of commission tomorrow, so Mel and I are just planning on going. So, another day on the road tomorrow, but also some good quality time with my seester. Doesn't get any better than that!

We're Not Teenagers Anymore, Toto...

It's been a rather sad week. First of all, Steve Jobs, of Apple fame succumbed to esophageal cancer. Mel says I can't count him because he wasn't a personal friend, but if it weren't for Steve Jobs and his insight and vision, my life (and that of just about everybody) would be markedly different, so I'm counting Steve Jobs as one of my losses this week.

Then, on Tuesday, Steve and I went out to dad's house to get the TV (that we EXCHANGED with dad), and Missy told me that her friend, Mary Churchich Holliday had passed away early that morning. Technically, Mary was Missy's friend in high school. She and Deanna Harrison hung around with Missy - they were kind of inseparable, like the 3 Muskateers of Bryan High School, but Mary was always so upbeat and friendly, not to mention the fact that she had a great sense of humor. I don't think I had seen Mary in years and years, the last time I remember seeing her, she was working at Johnny's Steakhouse on 25th and L, and Steve and I had gone there for New Year's Eve dinner. A looooooong time ago. She wasn't even our waitress, but she had come over when she recognized me and we talked for a little bit, same old smiling Mary that I remembered from years past. Such a shock that she died so young. She was only 50, and it happened quite suddenly. She had developed a blood clot and then ischemia in her bowel. Over the weekend she was fine, but Monday got sick, and was dead by 1:30 Tuesday morning. That is just so, so freaking sad on so many levels. My heart just aches for her family.

Then, on Wednesday, I was looking in the paper to find Mary's obituary to post my condolences online, and I saw that Vicki Bowles had passed away. She was only 56, and she passed away due to esophageal cancer. Vicki was married to Marty's cousin, Dan, so we hadn't seen each other in years, but when I was married to Marty we used to see them quite a lot. I really had a good time whenever we saw each other, she had the same kind of crazy sense of humor that I have and we always got along great. After the divorce I only saw her once, but she had 2 more children, both girls, I wish we had stayed in touch better.

People come in and out of your life for all different reasons and sometimes you wish you had never met them - but when someone touches your life for the better, you need to let them know. I don't know if Mary ever realized how much I envied her sunny disposition or Vickie ever knew how much I valued her friendship while I was in that marriage, but I'm going to try to make an effort to let people know how much they mean to me. I've read it, and I've probably said it, but we have to let the people who are important to us, KNOW they are important to us.

This all put a pall on this week, of sorts. I feel so old. I think it's so funny - I remember one time when Susie Steinauer and whatever her name was Dewitt were babysitting us and I just hated them having them babysit. Of course they'd have their boyfriend's come over and they were total witches when they stayed with us - and I thought they had one foot in the grave and another on a banana peel - they were THAT old. Looking back on it, they weren't even out of high school! I guess they weren't that old, but they were really BITCHY! LOL! Now, here I am, past that dreaded 50th birthday, and I don't consider myself old. My mind doesn't feel old. I don't feel any older than I did when I got out of high school - my body may argue with me, but my brain is still young! I look in the mirror sometimes and wonder just what the heck happened, but more to the point - when did it happen?! One day I was out there hanging out with my friends and sharing an apartment with Gene, going to wrestling, taking road trips to Minnesota, my favorite color was orange, and I would have sold my brother for tickets to an Osmond concert... Yes, I have very diverse taste... The next thing I know, I live in Keystone (which, believe me, was more than an out of reach dream for most of my life), and I have 2 grown children, and a grandchild who I adore. But really, it was only a few months between on and the other...

We (Mel, Steve, and I) went out to Grand Island today to take some more things out to my dad. Steve and I found a wonderful chair for him at Mrs. B's the other night, so we needed to deliver that, and we had forgotten a box of his clothes on Monday (I can't believe he's only been out there since Monday), and we had to take his shopping to get dress clothes for AJ's wedding. (Oh yes, THAT again.)  So, last night we went out to dad's and loaded up what we were going to take today, and then today since Mel's car is in the shop, Sarah brought her over and we all left for GI.

We had a great drive down there - stopped in York to have breakfast at Chances R... I love that place, but do not have the hashbrowns - not good - and I love hashbrowns... We got to GI about 11:30, so we got all the stuff unloaded, including some of his police memorabilia and his bison picture, went down and got something to drink while he ate lunch, and then set off to find him some duds for the wedding. He loves his chair!  He had to show everybody who came within 15 feet of his door - I"m so glad he liked it. It's brown leather with some some decorative wood on the front. We got a great deal. It had originally been over $700, but we got it for $200, which I thought was a great deal. n
For the clothes, we went to the nearest mall and found a J.C. Penney store - thank goodness it was cheaper than Dillard's! We found a black sport coat and black slacks. We also got him a long-sleeve white shirt - all for $167 - which sure beats the hell out of the $600 that Dillard's wanted for a suit. AJ had called dad and told him to tell Mel to get him a suit rather than a sports jacket and slacks, but dad's budget just didn't allow for that. I felt lucky enough to find a jacket and slacks that were the same shade of black. You'd think black would be black, but you'd be wrong! He wears a size 50 jacket and a size 44x30 pants, and they were both scarce as hen's teeth. The colors of the wedding are purple and gold, and Steve found an eye-popping purple tie, but that was another $30, and he has ties at home If he doesn't have a tux, who cares what color his tie is? I was very pleased we went today to get the clothes, Penney's was having a sale and we saved $145!!! I love it when I feel like I've made a good deal. Saved $113 on the jacket alone.

After shopping, we went to Baskin-Robbins and everybody but Mel had a Nutty Coconut cone or dish of ice cream - Mel had to be different and had Quarterback Crunch, but we were all happy with the treat! After all that, we took dad back home and then we headed back to Omaha.

All in all it was a damn good day! A day spent with family is always a good thing. It was a good ending to a pretty crappy week!

Thank You, God

 Linda, the Social Work Tech, and Katie, the 3rd floor social worker. 

Tasha, the Care Plan Nurse for dad

 Dad and Linda checking out his closet and dresser.

Bob and Mel in absolute awe of dad's new surroundings.

 On the road again, just can't wait to get on the road again...

Bob had a tough day, he was ready for some snoozing. 

Got up this morning at 5:30 and we were on the road for Grand Island by 7:20. I'm so glad this has turned out the way it has. Dad is thrilled with the new place - really! We had a wonderful orientation and lunch and then got to view his new room. Very nice. Bob was very impressed. Actually, I'm just very, very glad that dad likes the place. 

Of course, he's going to be a little homesick, but he has to come back to Omaha for an audiology appointment on Thursday and then he'll be back on the 22nd for AJ and Emily's wedding. Mel and I are going out to see him this Saturday, take his TV, help him find a pair of slacks and maybe a suit jacket, and maybe, just maybe get a nice chair for his room. 

We had lunch at the VH (Veteran's Home - actually the GIVH) and I have to admit the food was good. Dad was happy with it, which is what counts. I can't even put into words how relieved I am that we don't have to depend on Missy to take care of him anymore. I just can't even think about what would have happened if he had fallen down the stairs like he almost did on Friday if I hadn't been behind him or Mel hadn't been in the house. Missy was out on the deck yakking to God knows who and never even knew he fell. Mel even had to yell twice before she got her attention. I have to say I agree wholeheartedly with Mel that if Missy had actually been taking care of dad, which is what she was supposed to be doing all this time, dad maybe wouldn't have even had to go to a home. In other words, when Missy starts blubbering about dad having to go to Grand Island, and now what's SHE supposed to do, I don't really give a tinker's damn. She was crying Friday night about how she didn't want dad to have to go, but when Mel tried to talk to her, the bottom line was, Missy didn't know what she was going to do; so it wasn't really that dad was leaving, it was just that it upset her plans. I would think between a boyfriend, a fiance, and a husband she might be able to make a choice. For the love of God. 

That's all for today - just a Very Good Day, and I'm soooo glad that dad is safe and in a good place. I might even be able to sleep well!

Ta-ta.

Can We Replay Today?

The day wasn't so bad - believe me, it was worse for dad.... But let me start at the beginning. Mel called me this morning to let me know she was on her way over to get me. Dad, Mel, and I had discussed that I was going to be in charge of dad's finances from now on. I thought that just might be a good idea since he's going to be in Grand Island. It's not Mel, I distrust, I'll leave it at that. I talked to dad the other day and asked him how much cash he actually had in the house. Last I knew it was a pretty good amount. Well, now he has none. Not one red cent.... Okay, he has a change jar on his dresser, so maybe he has about 10 bucks, but that's about it. So we talked about it and I decided to take over taking care of the funds.

So, Mel woke me up and told me she was on her way over. Cool. I was ready, all except for "putting my leg on" as I refer to bandaging up my ankle and putting on the boot, so we were soon on our way. Went to the credit union and got all the finances straightened out, got a check for the GIVH for Monday and reordered new checks with the correct address on them. Check.

We needed some boxes because we planned on cleaning out dad's closet today and getting rid of the stuff that didn't fit, so we went to U-Haul and got 3 boxes and a new roll of tape. Check

Dad wanted to take us out to lunch for all we've done for him and just to have a good time today, so we went out to Big Fred's. I got my old standard, Phil's Salad, which I couldn't finish, as usual, so I got it in a box to take home. This is important to remember... Check.

Next, we had to go get Sarah's check and get it deposited into her bank for her since she had to work tonight and wanted to get her money into the bank today. Check

We're on the way to Village Pointe, when dad said he had a stomach ache - uh oh... We got out to the shopping center and wouldn't you know it, there was no place to park. We drove around twice while looking for a place, but dad really had to use the restroom, so we stopped at the Theater complex so he could use the bathroom, we dropped him off and said we'd be right back as soon as Mel got Sar's check. We drove around the parking lot 3 more times looking for a close place, but finally decided to just double park in front of the theater, Mel would run down and get Sar's check and we'd be close for dad when he came out. Dad came out all right - he didn't quite make it to the bathroom. Uh oh... But he got himself pretty well cleaned up except for his socks. And his shoes... And the toilet in the theater wouldn't flush and he really didn't make it to the toilet... OMG... I felt horrible for him, but really, when you're a 54-year-old woman, they really frown on you accompanying a 78-year-old man into a public restroom. Dad did mention to the guy at the door that they might want to get a janitor into the men's bathroom... Oh for the love of Pete... Mel got back to the car about then and realized dad hadn't quite made it to the bathroom, so plans to go to the bank were altered a bit. We decided to take dad home to shower and Mel would run the check to the bank for Sarah while I started packing the closet. Check.

When we got to Mel's I grabbed my purse, my empty soda can, the envelope of information for the home, and my salad and finally managed to extricate myself from the back seat, which isn't as easy as it sounds with the damn boot on. I asked Mel to grab my camera bag, but still managed to be the last one in the house. I was walking up the first flight of stairs, from the foyer to the living room, and dad was just rounding the living room stairs, about to go up the second flight to the bedrooms when he lost his balance and fell backward. I don't know how the hell he did it, but he was falling backward down the flight of stairs I was standing on. All I heard was a crack (like I heard when I broke my leg) and I yelled, "DAD!!" at the top of my lungs and dropped the salad, the pop can, and the envelope I was holding in order to grab dad and catch him as he fell - which I did. All 275 pounds of him. I'm going to feel that tomorrow!  All I saw as I caught him was the salad I dropped on the stairs and I remember thinking "Oh my God, he threw up too..." I was very relieved to see it was my salad! Mel was screaming for Missy, who was out on the deck talking on her cell phone, as she was running over to help. Missy was oblivious, while Mel and I tried to get dad up the stairs and onto the living room floor, which we finally did, which was more difficult than it sounds because by this time I realized dad was okay, it wasn't vomit on the stairs, and then I got the darn giggles. I could barely stand up, I'm trying to push dad up the stairs while Mel pulled, and I had to pee so bad, it just struck my darn funny bone. I was laughing so hard I could hardly breathe. Double check...

Between Mel pulling and me pushing (It's a good thing dad isn't a Stretch Armstrong doll, or his arms would be 6 feet long...) we finally got him at least onto the living room carpet where we saw that he had cut two of his fingers pretty bad. By that time, Missy had finally realized what was going on and she helped him get to his feet and out into the kitchen to run some cold water over his fingers while Mel ran to get some towels.  I finally made it to the bathroom and by the time I got out, I looked over the railing (cracking my head on the ceiling over the lower staircase - you have to see the house to see what I mean) and saw PeeWee finishing off the salad that was all over the stairs. I can't believe he didn't spend the rest of the afternoon yarking, not exactly good for dog tummies. After cleaning up dad as best we could, from both accidents; and cataloging his injuries (A big gash on one finger on each hand, a cut above his elbow on the right, and a small puncture wound on his right calf), we decided he would need a stitch or two on each finger so I asked Miss if she would take dad to the hospital while Mel and I got the rest of the errands run. She was pissed and dad had to give her 10 bucks for gas, but she did take him. He did end up needing one stitch in each finger. Thanks goodness he has had a tetanus shot recently, so he didn't have to have another one - but I think he would have preferred that to the lidocaine in the finger prior to the stitches!

While they were gone, Mel and I got Sarah's check into the bank and got dad's closet all cleaned out, and one whole dresser cleaned out and everything packed to bring over to my house. Since Mel doesn't have an apartment yet and Missy isn't sure of her future living plans, we storing everything at my house. We've got 2 empty bedrooms in the basement, that way we won't have to pay for storage and if dad gets tired of the shirts and sweats he has packed to wear, we can switch out clothes with him.

About the time everybody got back home and settled in, dad's guardian ad litem showed up with some Very Good News... Dad FINALLY has a court date for his divorce!!! Yahoo!!! It's December 28. Happy Freaking New Year!  Thank God for his GAL, because if we left it up to his divorce attorney, we'd never get anywhere. Although he might be willing to get his butt moving now because dad's expendable income is next to nothing and we're not going to be giving him $500 every other month to do absolutely NOTHING.  Anyway, that was good news, and I was very happy to hear that.


I get so mad at Missy sometimes, I can't believe God let that idiot procreate. And she's done such a stellar job. Not. She told Mel tonight that she was going to spend the weekend at Ray's. I can't believe it. She's been walking around bawling all week because she's going to miss dad soooo much, she wishes he didn't have to go, yet the last 2 days he's home, she goes off to Ray's. Oh, the love is almost palpable, isn't it? Then AJ and his damn wedding. For months dad has been so excited because AJ told him that he was going to wear a tux. Dad has been telling everyone how excited he was that he was going to wear a tux at the wedding. Then AJ tells him sometime during the past week or so that he wasn't going to wear a tux, but a suit. Dad doesn't have a suit. AJ told Mel to take dad out and get him measured and fitted for a suit and AJ would buy him one. So Mel took him out and got him measured and AJ called Mel tonight and told her that he didn't have the money to buy one, so dad would have to get it himself. After I told AJ the other night in an unrelated conversation that dad didn't HAVE any money. And to top it all off, Missy told Mel that AJ couldn't afford the suit IN FRONT OF DAD. How effing stupid can you be? Dad said to never mind, he wouldn't go to the wedding. I found a letter several months ago that AJ wrote to dad, telling him how important he was to AJ, that dad was his "best buddy" and how much AJ loved him - right.... And this is how you treat that person? WTF? I'm so disappointed in Aaron, I really am. I wish I had the money to buy a damn suit, but I sure don't. Even if dad could wear a tux that didn't match the groomsmen or whatever, that would sure be cheaper than having to buy a suit. I wish they'd just freaking elope. And I sure hope they're not expecting a grand wedding present from us.

Well, there's nothing anybody can do about it, you can't fix selfish I guess, just the same as you can't fix stupid. In this family, it's pretty much one in the same. When AJ stiffed Matt for the medical bills when Matt hurt himself out riding Aaron's ATV and he promised to pay for them because his insurance didn't cover anyone else, I didn't think so much about it. He was young, he didn't have a great job, and the bills were expensive, no big deal, but this is reprehensible. This is his GRANDPA for the love of Pete... Ah well, I feel better just venting about it. I just feel so darn bad for dad that I want to smack the shit of just about anybody spawned by that idiot sister of mine.

Hailey Turned TWO

Hapiley had a wonderful birthday - she's quite the little social butterfly! Matt said he probably didn't hold her for more than a half hour total all day, but she sure went around the entire part and visited with everybody! Magann's sister did face painting and Hailey had a blue and yellow butterfly on her face - she was so cute! She got a lot of new toys to play with and a bunch of new clothes. One of the cutest outfits was a pair of black jeans and a leather-looking sleeveless vest - very cute and very biker babe! ROFL. We had a lot of fun - Sue V. made all the food, a lot of Italian sausage and hot dogs, lots of fresh fruit and potato salad, and Matt and Magann had gotten her a small cake from Petit's and gotten some specialty cupcakes, so everyone was able to have some cake, everything was great. I made the gift bags for the kids who attended and that was fun, I think they were kind of cute. I put off waiting them too long though, I didn't finish with them until 2:30 and I had to pick mom and Bob up at 3:30 - oops. I got them and we got to the party in plenty of time. Hailey was excited to see me, and was kind of jealous that I wanted to pay any attention to Lexi's new baby girl. I'm her nana and she's not going to let me forget it. Kylie has her own nana and it's sure not me! Nevermind that Kylie and Steven are sharing their Nanny Sue with Hailey! Watching Hails open her presents was fun. She was all for the toys, but had no use for the clothes. As soon as she'd open an outfit she'd toss it on the floor! No matter, sooner or later she's going to be a clothes horse like I was - when I was thin and buying clothes was fun! I can't wait to see her in some of her new clothes, she'll be so darling! Steve V and Sue bought her a winter coat that's going to be really cute. She's growing up so fast though, it just boggles my mind! Hailey spent lots of time running back and forth between me and Steve throughout the evening. It really made Steve's night when, after we left, Hailey fell near the swings and ran right past Matt to get a healing kiss from Papa. I have to think maybe our relationship and his relationship with my kids would have been so much better if we had been able to have kids of our own. He's finally starting to understand why I feel the way I do about my kids. When you have a child around you from the very first and you realize how much they depend on you to nurture and care for them, it makes quite a difference. I sure miss having Hailey here ever day - even every other week, what a blessing that was! In other news - I had my preop physical with Dr. S today, so everything is set for Thursday - except me. I'm always such a chicken before surgery. I'm not looking forward to 5 or 6 weeks in that darn boot again, and not being able to drive, but it will be nice if my ankle doesn't hurt so much and maybe I can walk again. I'd like to lose some of this weight I'm hauling around. I was sure hoping we'd have dad settled somewhere by this time, but apparently that's not the plan God has in mind. Mel changed her mind about moving, I know it was going to be hard for her financially, so it's probably the best thing, but I wish she wasn't so tied down with dad. Miss is worthless. Mel had told her last week that they needed to start swapping who was in charge on the weekends and since Miss had been at Ray's the week before (for 4 days), it was her turn to be home with dad this past weekend. Ha ha ha. She said "okay" like she always does, but took off like a scalded dog Friday night. She put in a cameo appearance on Saturday and then was off again. Mel doesn't want to say anything to her because she's such a royal bitch if you do, but if you don't; then she thinks she can do whatever she wants. I just want dad to be in a safe place - and that means far, far away from Missy. I can't count the number of times I've said "You need to WATCH dad, you can't sleep all day" and her response is always "Okay" and the very next day I can call dad at noon and she's still sleeping. She didn't even learn her lesson after dad sat right next to her and drank antifreeze and it didn't faze her in the least. I think if dad dropped dead in front of her, it wouldn't matter, she's so freaking stupid. I guess all I can do is be grateful that she's not in charge of me - ha ha ha, she can't even take care of herself. I talked to Dr. S today about the low dose naltraxone study for fibro, and about a different way to control pain. I'm not really happy about the Tyelenol in the hydrocodone and it's long term effect on the liver. There's a drug, new to me, called Savella that he wants me to try. I'm hoping something works, this pain is just getting ridiculous. I was in bed most of the day Friday, just overdid it on Thursday. On Saturday, I got up and did some light housework and got the dishes clean, and then I ended back up in bed before I got up to go to dad's. Adam came home from the hospital and we were invited over for awhile. Sunday wasn't too bad, at least I managed to stay up the whole day! After the surgery I'll start the Savella and see how it goes. It came with a 2 week starter pack, by that time I should know how it's going to work and then Dr. S will call in a prescription. I hope it works. I'm so tired of pain, pain, pain... Not to mention the idiots who don't get it. Speaking of which, Jason took Steve out for a beer Thursday after Hailey's party. Isn't that sweet? I'm glad Steve didn't invite him over, that little asshole isn't welcome here - at least not by me. I love the way people in this stupid family want everything to be forgotten and forgiven, but they never feel the need to apologize. Ah well, don't expect much from my family and I'm never disappointed. It was hot today, 90 degrees, but since I know the end of the long hot summer is in sight, I enjoyed the drive to and from Fremont. Just crank up the iPod and cruise on down the hghway, beautiful! I put the first scrape on my car Thursday night and nobody can blame it on medication either... I hadn't taken any pain meds at all since I was busy before I left and then I was going to drive, so I figured I'd take it when I got home... By 8:30 I was feeling pretty rocky and I just wasn't paying close enough attention when I pulled into the garage. I just got some paint smear on the mirror on the passenger side. I'm pretty sure it will buff out, but at least the first scratch is over and done! You kind of hold your breath when driving until the first scratch happens and when it does, you can relax! Yesterday was the most exciting day! The other night Dorothy and I had decided to look for Mollie, who was one of our friends from over 30 years ago. We finally found her and I had sent her a message on FB asking to be friends. She answerd me back and called me Saturday afternoon, so we made plans for her to come over on Sunday. It was so good to see her! You know you're good friends when you can see each other after 30 years and pick up right where you left off. We talked Sunday for 3 hours before she had to go - I'm looking forward to having her be a friend again and part of my life. She's still the sweet person she used to be. Love her! And THAT was my weekend!

The Boys of Summer are gone

We had a really good time yesterday. Mom, Bob, Meg, Jason, Matt, Magann, and Hailey came over for dinner. Steve grilled some really great filets and made his famous frog eye salad - which Hailey refuses to eat - so we had a good time. Everyone got to visit a bit, and be charmed by Hailey. That's what grandchildren are all about, right? Meg and Jason had to leave to go watch The Screamer, so we didn't get to play any games or anything. Mom and Bob stayed to watch that horrible movie about aliens invading Los Angeles. I've blocked the title out of my mind, it's not one of my favorite movies. I'm loving the cool weather, and I'm going to love it even more when I get a chance to adjust to it. For right now, it's cooler, which slows me down a little, but it feels so nice to just sit outside and read or just watch people go by. Today we had planned on going to the church picnic, but Mel called and as usual Missy didn't come home last night. She probably thinks Mel was off today, which she isn't, but how would you know that if you won't answer your phone, hmmmmm? Mel tried to call both Ray and Missy and they won't answer the phone. Sarah is home with him right now, but I'm leaving to go over and take care of dad for the afternoon. I thought about taking him to the picnic with us, but he's so unsteady on his feet again and I don't know where the picnic is in relation to the park, or where we would have to park the car, so I'm just going out to dad's. I don't mind really, but when you depend on someone to do something and they blow off their responsibility and expect others to cover, it pisses me off. I don't know why, I know Missy is the most irresponsible person on the planet, I should be used to it by now. I also think is miraculous how when she gets a shot when she's home with dad, she has to sleep for 24-36 hours, but when she gets a shot when she's at Ray's she can be out getting her hair done the next morning. I guess having someone else pay to have you hair done is very therapeutic.'m Looking forward to Hailey's party on Thursday. I can't believe that little stinker is going to be 2 already. Hard to think that it was a year ago she was smooshing chocolate cake into Matt's mouth while we celebrated her first birthday! Sue is in North Carolina for a couple days getting one of Magann's sisters settled, but she's planning on doing all the cooking for the party - I'm going to call her when she gets home and offer to do some of it - what a lot of work for one person!!! I'll post pics later, gotta run! Everybody have a wonderful fall day!

It was a beautiful day in the neighborhood...

Even though the weather alarm woke me up this morning with a severe thunderstorm watch until 2 p.m. it was a nice day. We had about 3 claps of LOUD thunder a little rain, and that was it. So nice. It looked like we were really going to get some rain, but it all went east of us. Sorry, Iowa.

Our weather was much better than that on the East Coast, that's for sure, with Hurriane Irene wreaking havoc all over from North Carolina to Maine. I'm glad all we have to content with are tornadoes. Okay, occasionally a blizzard or two. And yes, we are on a huge fault line, but I've only felt one earthquake in my life and that was just a small rumble that was actually centered in Western Nebraska, but hey, no hurricanes! I'm glad that as far as I know, all my friends survived just fine and hopefully no one ends up flooded out or blown away.

I was pretty sore from my journey to the zoo yesterday, but Steve was pretty good about things today. He shampooed the carpet in the bedroom and half my hobby room. Not that it did a lot of good, but it looks better. I think Ben has a mild eye infection or irritation. His right eye has been red and had a lot of goober in it lately. Found some eye ointment tonight and used that, we'll see how it goes. I hope we don't have to take him to the vet, but if we do, then we do. Pets are like kids, you have to keep them healthy.

Speaking of healthy, I think I have an infection where my wisdom tooth came out. It's been swollen ever since the tooth was pulled, but I noticed Friday afternoon it was kind of "squishy" and tonight it leaked some vile stuff, so I have to call Dr. P's office tomorrow morning. Wish me luck on that. I'm kind of freaking out since I had to sign that stupid waiver about bone infection because I've taken Fosamax. I'll feel better once he looks at it.

Mel rented a house and she's moving out on September 9th. I'm so glad for her, but worried about dad since we don't know when he'll be going into Grand Island and he'll be alone with Missy. He might as well be alone for all the good she is. If by some miracle she manages to become vertical before 1 or 2 in the afternoon, she can't cook. Plus, they won't have Mel's income to help with expenses. I wish we could hire someone to come in and be with him during the day at least, but there's no money for that. I've been trying to get him into Sarah Care or some other adult care site ever since he came home from the hospital the last time. Mel and Missy both assured me that he'd be going, but he ha yet to go. I'm not going to mention it again; and I'm not going to go out there every day to watch dad so Missy can sleep. Doesn't matter if she's awake or not, he drank the antifreeze while she sat right next to him. I'm frustrated with her anyway - what else is new? She was supposed to come home last night because Mel had to work her part-time job, but she texted Mel and told her she wasn't coming home because the twins could watch him We've only discussed umpteen times that dad is NOT the responsibility of the twins, he's OUR responsibility because he's OUR dad. Right over her head, just like everything else. Mel told her that she was moving and Missy had the gall to ask Mel if she would take Medusa with her! Of course she said she'd come over every day and let Medusa out. Right - until she had a headache or was with Ray, or Garry, or Brad, or Steve, and then poor Medusa would be lost in the shuffle and forgotten. Just like she forgets about them every weekend. I swear, if I have to listen to her cry about how her dog is her whole life I'm going to vomit. If she had moved last year when I, um, invited her to go, we wouldn't be in this mess because we could have hopefully found someone to take care of dad then and wouldn't have to go through all this now. She's a bigger pain in the ass than dad is, and she doesn't even have dementia! I'm betting she'll move back in with Garry since Ray doesn't like dogs an especially doesn't like Medusa. Or maybe she'll move in with Steve, since he was expecting her to move in when dad had to move anyway... There are times I get frustrated and crabby about some things in my life, but I'm so glad that I don't have pieces of my life scattered over the whole metro area, some stuff here, some stuff there, no bed, no place of my own or even a room to call mine. She lives like a homeless person and thinks it's funny when people say she's a nomad. I don't think it's funny, I think it's sad.

Matt called tonight. They sent a settlement offer to Hailey's "mother", but haven't heard anything back yet. I wish he would just go to court and kick her ass, but I know lawyers. Nobody wants to go to court and work for what's best for Hailey. Even if Matt wanted too his lawyer probably wouldn't. I remember my second attorney when I was trying to get custody of Matt. He was all talk about how we'd get Marty on the stand and prove this and that and the other thing. When it came right down to brass tacks he said he wouldn't go to court because we wouldn't win. Made me madder than hell then, and I'm mad now, that the system is so screwed up that you can't even try to prove a case because everyone already has their mind made up. I really worry about Hailey if her mother has her for the better part of the time. Her boyfriend is such a loser, and I think he's the one who broke Hailey's leg. She's only a baby and obviously her mother is more worried about having a boyfriend than she is about taking care of her child.

Well, going to grab some Ambien and hope it doesn't fail me tonight. Stay tuned for more episodes of My Crazy Life, or, How to Live in a Soap Opera and Still Stay Sane.

Bad Night, Maynard

If you had asked me before last night how I felt about this whole thing with my dad, I would have told you it wasn't that big of a deal and I just wanted what was best for dad. Then last night I did't sleep at all. My mind wouldn't shut off. I finally gave up at 4:30 and just got up.

Then, of course, this morning, I feel like absolute dog poop from lack of sleep, then I had an anxiety attack and I feel as if I could burst into tears at any second. Of course I do, because I put makeup on today. I don't know how I can do this. I HATE the fact this is a 2-hour car ride away. I hate the thought of my dad living in some nursing facility. I hate the fact my dad has dementia. I hate, hate, hate this whole frigging mess. Most of all, I hate his damn wife for putting him in this position. What the hell. Or, maybe I hate my mother (even more) for not still being there. I mean, she was better than nothing. Not much, but a little. I hate the fact that she can't be a mother, that I don't have a mother to help shoulder a little bit of this load. I know no one thinks I'm sick, it's pretty obvious from the way everyone acts that I'm just fine and this is a bunch of bullshit that I dreamed up because, oh, I don't know, maybe I just want to sit around all day like a fucking lump and never feel like I'm a human anymore. Maybe it's really FUN to not sleep for 2 nights in the past 9 days because.... Because who the hells KNOWS why I haven't been able to sleep for 2 nights? Is it the fibro Is it the head injury residual? Did somebody slip some placebos in my Ambien? Or maybe Ambien isn't going to help me sleep anymore. I don't even want to think about that possibility.

Remember all those words George Carlin said you couldn't say on TV? Well, I want to say them all right now. That's how I feel. This is messed up and I don't want to do anything, but try to sleep. So, insert the words here and I'll try to concentrate on the fact that in 8 hours (hopefully less), I'll be home again. In my pajamas. Trying to sleep. Again.

The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

All in all, yesterday was a good day. I totally spaced off that I had to be dad's chauffeur for a doctor's appointment, and he called to wake me up at 9:30 for his 10:30 appointment, but I just tossed on some clothes and we made it without too many laws being broken. I thank God every time I have to go to dad's house for the Dodge Expressway. Dr. G was very pleased with dad's good mood and that he seemed to be doing a bit better. I am too, I think. When he has good days and acts like dad again, it's hard to know that he'll be moving to a nursing home in the pretty near future. I feel like the bad daughter when I think about it.

While we were still at the doctor, my friend Nancy called and asked if I wanted to meet for lunch at Big Fred's at 1:30. Great idea! I had a couple ideas I wanted to run by her, to see if she'd be willing to volunteer with me in keeping grave sites clean and maybe restoring stones if families requested it. Steve got off at 1:00, so he met us there, and Nancy brought her husband, Craig, so we had a really good lunch. Spent 2 hours talking about genealogy and cemetery cleaning, and all that good stuff. Dad has wanted to go to Big Fred's for lunch too, but we got done at the clinic before noon and I didn't want to sit there that long - so I took him to Bronco's and he was happy with that. It kind of irritates me that Missy was home all day yesterday, but she couldn't take him - at least take him to my house. It's 30 miles round trip and my husband/boyfriend/whatever doesn't put gas in my car or pay my repair bills if the car breaks down. (Okay, that's a moot point since I have a 100,000 mile warranty, but you get my drift.) When I got home, I called India and we had a good chat - and that was the end of the good part of the day.

By 6 o'clock yesterday the aches had hit me pretty bad and my left wrist was so sore I couldn't hardly move my fingers. I haven't had that kind of joint pain for a while, and I haven't missed it. Then the rest of the body aches set in and that was the end of me for the rest of the day. I spent the rest of the night trying to get comfortable. Took my Ambien at 11 and was still wide awake at 1:30, just very uncomfortable.

This morning I woke up feeling pretty good. Folded 3 laundry baskets full of clothes and put them away and was thinking about going to the store when I felt the first aches coming on. I jumped in the shower, only to find that it hurt like heck when the water hit my skin, that may have been the shortest shower - ever, but I did take one! Steve power washed the house today, it really really needed it - and it looks much better. I thought I might run to the store and then make chicken enchiladas for dinner, but thinking about it was as far as it went. I ended up sleeping or laying down most of the day. I finally got up about dinner, but still don't feel worth a darn.

We did decide to go to the grocery store after Steve ate, that was kind of creepy. We stopped to get some gas and noticed there was a lot of traffic on 90th Street, and when we got to the store, I wasn't sure I wanted to get out of the When we came out, the parking lot was clear, but the traffic was at a standstill as far as we could see on 90th Street - I wonder what was going on. We went to McDonald's for an ice cream cone and by the time we came back home, 90th was clear. Odd. If I had been alone, I'm not sure I would have gone in the store, it was very unsettling since I've been hearing all kinds of news about the flash mobs and the riots that went on at the Wisconsin State Fair.

Kind of sad Magann didn't call me about shopping today, although I don't think I could have worked up the energy to go. I'll have to call her tomorrow, because I really want to make the gift bags for Hailey's party, even if I have to buy the stuff. I'm feeling disconnected from Hails since I don't see her very much any more. Part of it's probably just plain old jealousy because I think she sees Magann's parents a lot more, but I'm really happy they love her so much. Talk about conflicted feelings. I just want Hailey to be happy - that's what counts!

Meg and Jason can't keep the dog they found. As a matter of fact, they took him to the pound yesterday. Their idiot landlord wouldn't let them have him. She said he's get too big. Glad she's such an expert on dogs (not). It's none of my business, except I love dogs so much and he was so sweet and affectionate, just a good dog that somebody dumped, who would have had a good home with Jason and Meg. It's not like the dog could possibly do any damage to that house either. It's a pit, which Meg and Jason are trying hard to fix up to make it habitable by someone other than college kids. The paint in the living room was horrifying and it's such a tiny house with a tiny yard... Anything that dog could have done in that house would have been an improvement, including chewing through the walls. Their landlord would best be considered a slumlord, IMHO.

There you go. The good, the bad, and the ugly. I'm trying to get to bed early tonight in hopes I'll feel better tomorrow. I'd like to make it to breakfast for a change. Something other than mini-wheats would be a good change.

Happy day, but a little frustrating

Happy Day because I didn't have to get my tooth pulled today. I still have to have it done, but Dr. P., said he wouldn't do it unless I had sedation because it's a pretty bad tooth and since it's already had a couple root canals done and there's not much actual tooth to grasp, he's afraid it's going to break and come out in pieces and he's worried about problems with the bone, so it's scheduled for next Wednesday. I feel much better knowing that it's going to be done under sedation. Too bad I have to have it done at all. I blame my mother for my rotten teeth, she had horrible teeth herself and looked like a horse until she got her dentures when I was a baby - and seriously, I don't remember having a toothbrush around when I was growing up. Seriously. Never went to the dentist unless we had a toothache and didn't have regular checkups. I'm sure my mom would remember differently though. Once in school we got these dental hygiene kits and you chewed this red tablet and then brushed your teeth and then looked to see where your teeth were still red, so you'd know where you had to brush again or spend more time brushing. I was enthralled with that toothbrush and that's when I really learned to brush my teeth and try to take care of them. Thanks mom, for everything. And I just have to say it, Dr. P. isn't too bad to look at. Nice to have eye candy for an oral surgeon... I'm just sayin'.

Tuesday dad had an appointment with Dr. Green, which no one could take him to, so I had called the VA and rescheduled his appointment for Friday at 10:30 I told Mel and Missy both that I was getting this tooth taken care of today, so one of them would have to take him. So... Guess who's taking dad to the doctor tomorrow? That's right -- ME. I'd like to tell them to forget it, but of course they had dad call me to ask if I'd take him - three frigging times. I missed his first 2 calls and the 3rd time I my phone was at Meg's because I forgot my purse over there. I called him back and told him I'd take him and he wanted to know where I had been this afternoon. I reminded him again that I had had a dental appointment. He apologized for bothering me and told me he forgot - of course he did, he has dementia. I have no idea why no one else conveniently forgot. I'm really trying not to be ticked off about this, and I didn't call either one of them about it - yet. Oh, and did I mention he was calling from HIS PHONE? The one nobody was going to let him have back? I guess this whole idea of all of us making decisions together is too inconvenient when I'm not doing something for everyone else. This is why when Mel and Missy got so mad at me a couple months ago because I allegedly don't "do" enough for dad, I wasn't too upset to hear they didn't need me and were going to do everything themselves. Yeah, that lasted about 3 days until they needed me to do something and then we had to work together for "dad's sake". And I'm a stupid fool because I thought maybe we were going to work on stuff together. Ha ha ha... You know, I'm the one that's supposed to be leading by example and doing the "right thing" to help them out. Of course I'd be the biggest bitch in the world if I ask why Mel could take 3 days off work while dad was in the hospital, but can't take time off to take him to the doctor. It doesn't matter what I do, it's going to be the wrong thing. I'm pretty sure they're expecting me to be the one to tell dad that he's going to the VA home too. It'll be just like the time "we" talked to him about going to the Norfolk home. I did all the talking while Missy and Mel stood there with their arms crossed like they didn't agree with what I was saying and didn't way one freaking word. Not doing it again. I'm not the one who has to live with him, am I? They throw that back in my face often enough I ought to toss it right back. I know they think I just sit around all day playing computer games, oh, wait, that was Amber... Pretty sure they all think the same thing and I'm pretty damn tired of worrying and trying to do what's best for dad and having everyone agree with me and then blow everything off. It was almost a month ago I said I thought maybe dad should be getting more socialization, going back to SarahCare at least for the time the VA would pay for (two days a week, but hey, better than nothing). The doctor agreed, Mel agreed, Missy agreed - and dad still hasn't gone anywhere. Mel was going to check with ENOA, which she finally did, but then they had to do some BS and they were going to call her back, blah, blah, blah... Meanwhile, dad sits at home and everybody gets frustrated because of his behavior or lack thereof, and when he pulls some stupid ass prank like drinking antifreeze, I'm the one they're going to call. Again. Am I the only person who can see a pattern here?

One more little rant and I'm done. It's 30 miles from my house to dad's and back. So tomorrow I'm going to leave my house and drive to dad's to get him, then back past my house to the VA, then back past my house again to take him back home and then back home. About 70 miles in total and for the FIRST time, I'm going to ask dad for gas money. He's covered the gas bill, electric bill, and paid for groceries because no one ever has any money and I've never taken a frigging dime, but enough is enough. He can give me $20 for gas, and if he wants to go out to lunch, he can pay for that too. My time is worth just as much as anybody else's in the family.

I'm pretty sure that by the time I get to this blog at night and write how I feel that I'm pretty much the biggest bitch in the world. I hate that. I am happy and I do have good friends that I have a good time with, but this shadow of dad and all the shit that goes on with him really overshadows everything - although I don't do anything for him... A little understanding from my spouse might be nice too. He did take the afternoon off work to go to the oral surgeon with me, but he told me work has been boring lately and there hasn't been anything to do anyway. Gee, thanks.

We went over to Meg and Jason's tonight and moved Meg's bed to the new house. I wonder if they're ever going to get moved. I can't stand to be in transition for days and days. When I move, I want to move and be done with it.

Some other really good news is that Meg and Jason found a dog. I mean, this dog literally showed up at their old house tonight and wouldn't leave. He kept jumping up in the truck and didn't want to get out. He's a very nice dog, I think maybe a pitt and Boxer mix. They asked around the neighborhood and a lady down the street said she had been taking care of him for about a week, but he wasn't her dog, he just showed up one night. He's a real sweetie, but very afraid of the leash. He had no collar or tags, so Meg used the leash in a slip knot to use as a collar/leash combination and as soon as he put it over his head he just lay down in the grass and wouldn't move. Just absolutely refused to move an inch with it on, and he was very submissive. Makes me wonder if someone had hurt him. He didn't have any marks on him, but he definitely has a story. When they brought my purse back to our house they still hadn't decided on a name for him. Brittany wants to call him "Bob", but Meg refused. She told Britt her grandpa's name is Bob and she wasn't going to name her dog the same thing. I think they should call him "JD" for "Just Dog", but they weren't sure about that. He really likes Jason and followed him around the house like a... Well, like a puppy! They can have dogs in their new house, so I hope it works out for all involved.

I guess that's all the complaining I can do for one night. ha ha ha.... Things will be better tomorrow, right? RIGHT?

Well today sucked - except for ONE thing!

One thing was great! The VA in Grand Island called about dad. Woo hoo! Maybe we'll be all done with this crap sooner rather than later. I have to call his lawyer tomorrow; he wants more money. We just gave him $500 and as far as I can tell, he hasn't done a damn thing. He never sends out itemized bills either. BS. I need to tell him that if dad... No, WHEN dad goes into the nursing home, his gravy train is going to be derailed. Dad will only have $229 a month for personal expenses. BTW, Dad got a notice today that one of his many creditors is suing him for credit card debt... What the heck ever... I suppose when you haven't paid any bills because you can't get the damn bankruptcy attorney you hired (and paid a retainer to) to call you back and you haven't made a payment on anything in a year they're getting unhappy. Oh well. Let them put a lien on the house. Ha ha ha... There ya go, Pam! I have no idea why Missy called me about it - I guess just to tell me. It's not like I've got a spare 100 grand sitting around to take care of his bills with.

Went to see Dr. E., the orthopod today. I have to have the hardware removed from my right ankle. Great news, huh? Shit, is what I think. I have to stay pretty much off my feet for a week, pretty sure my house will go to HELL during that week. It would be nice to think Steve would take care of things, but I have a feeling when I'm able to get out of bed there will be dishes stacked to the ceiling, just waiting for me to feel better. I tried to get some styrofoam plates at the store last week and he got all pissed off - probably because he was paying for them. He wanted to know why we were getting them and I told him I don't usually feel good enough to do the dishes and he won't do the dishes. I put them back, under protest. Hell, if I lived by myself all I'd need is a spoon and a bowl. I could live on cereal. Isn't my life a freaking sideshow?

He's mad at me right now and not talking because I told him he didn't need to add 1/4 of a cup of olive oil to 2 cups of cooked spaghetti. He asked me if I wanted to do it. I don't remember exactly what I said, but I know it wasn't nice. His martyr act gets pretty old. For some reason tonight I was remembering one night when we got into a fight at the dinner table about some stupid thing. Neither one of the kids were home and he was ragging about something when I just snapped. I swear.. I'm giggling like an idiot as I type this... I just picked up my glass of water and tossed the water right in his face. OMG! LOL! I wish I had a picture of his face at that exact minute. I don't even know what possessed me to do such a thing, but it was funnier than hell. I've never done such a thing before or since, but I have to admit it felt pretty damn good that time!

Tomorrow is wisdom tooth extraction day. Whoopee. Steve's taking the afternoon off to take me. What a guy, right? I was reading the website for the doctor the other day and it said that all the nurses are trained in Advanced Life Support and there is a nurse for every room, and everyone else is traibed in Basic Life Support. Then it hit me - am I supposed to be comforted by that? Actually, it had quite the opposite effect! I don't want to think of anyone having to use either one while I'm at the damn DENTIST!!! I don't know why I'm such a chicken turd about my mouth, but I am. I HATE having shots in the mouth, I HATE the thought of having a tooth pulled, and I HATE the fact that tomorrow at this time I'm probably going to feel like dog crap. Maybe I should just have them sedate me, but that creeps me out too. I don't want sedation in a dentist's office. Okay, so he's an oral surgeon and not a plain old "dentist", but still. It's just not right. Of course the good part is if they knock you out, you just wake up when it's over. (Hopefully.) The bad part of Novocaine are the shots, the pressure, the cracking... Oh hell, I might just get sick thinking about it. WTF.

Then I start thinking about this leg thing. Dr. E asked me if I wanted a spinal or light general. Are you freaking KIDDING me?!?! Nobody is ever going to mess with my spine again! I thought that epidural with Matt was going to kill me, and they want me to let some joker inject crap into my spine again. Oh HELL no. I'll go with the "light" general, thanks. Does "light" mean low calorie? What? Which brings me back to the tooth - hopefully I'll lose a couple (50) pounds or so while I can't eat. Which brings me to another question, just what the hell am I going to eat? I can't see Steve whipping up some mashed potatoes just for me. Pudding maybe. Or ice cream - yum... There go those 50 pounds... Damn. He better make it Breyer's, if we have to go the ice cream route.

Okay, back to the leg. It shouldn't take too long, right? Cut it open, use a drill, remove the screws (I think there are 9 or 10), sew it up. How long can that take? Maybe they can just give me a bullet to bite on and I'Ill save a couple grand on anesthesia. I wish Dr. E still went to Immanuel, I love the anesthesiologist over there - Dr. Drobny. He knows how freaked out I get with those "light" general things when they put stuff over my face. Hopefully, this anesthesiologist will get the idea. I need to get the walker from dad - he doesn't use it anyway. Crutches just kill my shoulders. I'm kind of paranoid about getting this plate removed. I can't tell you how many times I've twisted my ankle since I broke it, I think the plate is all that saved me from breaking it again, so now I'll be paranoid about it, which will just make me more clumsy. Oh hell... Whatever happens, happens.

I gave Cookie a bath tonight. Poor girl. I HAD to, she smelled like Casey Anthony's car - death, in case you didn't know the story. She smelled awful! So, I gave her a bath. She still smells awful, but now she's apple-scented awful. God. Poor baby has such bad teeth - oh no, don't get me started on THAT again.

I'm going to grab my Kindle and read a bit. I've got 29 pages of books to read. Not 29 books, 29 PAGES of books, something like 232 or something close to that. Most of them were free too - polishing nails on my shirt - I'm cool like that. Last night I found a free Kindle app on my iPod, so I can read my Kindle books on there - as if... That'll make you blind for sure, and you won't have much fun in the process.

Hasta la bye bye

Yank it out by the roots!

Guess what I did today? I went to the DENTIST! Now I have wonderful pearly whites that I can show off to the world... Oh, wait, I'm getting a little carried away. Truthfully, I got my teeth cleaned, my mouth hurts like hell and I have to have a wisdom tooth pulled. Yay me. I love my dentist, well, not really love my dentist, as in I'd like to spend the rest of my life with him, but truly love him as a dentist. I've never even liked a dentist before, but Dr. T. has my true devotion. Unfortunately, the tooth that I've had two, count them, TWO, root canals on in the past needs to come out. I lost the crown the week before Hailey was born - and I carried it around in my purse thinking I would someday go to Dr. T. and get it fixed, but... Well, one thing led to another and then 18 months had gone by and I indulged in my favorite dessert from Boyd and Charlie's (a Tootsie Roll), and there went the filling. I tried willing it back into place for an evening and quite seriously was shocked that I didn't swallow it during the night, but the next morning I found that willpower will not keep a filling in place when you eat a sandwich, and that was that. Dr. T. (who knows I'm absolutely phobic about tooth extractions) told me I could just let it go because I'd had the root canal(s) and the tooth would just disappear with time. (Rot, is such a nasty word...) But, now my gums are red and tender around it and it has to come out. O-U-T, and it doesn't matter how phobic I am about dentists. To top it all off I have to go to an oral surgeon AND it's a wisdom tooth. At least Dr. T. was honest enough to tell me the pieces of tooth may break off and he didn't want to have to "dig around" (ouch) getting it out, so he needed to refer me to a specialist. Then I found out it's a wisdom tooth. Seriously? I need all the brains I can get. This could be bad. If you don't hear from me after next Thursday, it's because my wits are totally gone (the last marble rolled out of the jar, Charlie), and my passwords went with them.

Then, I went to see my dad. (Okay I DID stop at Krispy Kreme, but I only bought ONE blueberry glazed donut). His doctor (Marcel Marceau or whatever his name is) was moving him to the 10th floor at the VA, but only for a few days. Dad was a little ticked about that, but he did seem to be a little bit mellower, so I was kind of encouraged by that. I have to admit, I'd LIKE my dad to be better, so sometimes I'm suckered into thinking he's a little bit better when he really isn't, so I'm no one to judge, really... He had called last night telling me he had a "big surprise" to tell me about when I got up to see him today. Well - his big surprise is that he wanted me to call his lawyer and tell him to go ahead with the divorce. Ah huh... Well, dad, the surprise is on you because we told the lawyer a month or so ago that this divorce is going to go on.

Dammit all to hell... I just lost some wonderful writing... I hate this laptop. Now I have to wait until morning to try and get this mojo going again because I'm too tired to give it another go. Damn you, ctrl+z. I hate you.

Adios amigos.

Name that emotion...

Dad got his phone back last night, and pulled another today took his Lantus 5 hours early, sneaking it from Missy because he said he was depressed. Sigh. What was this? Another suicide gesture? An attention grabbing stunt for Pam because he got his phone back yesterday? Before I go on, I have to say I don't think I could handle dad's antics. I know how difficult it is for Mel, no, I don't think I could do a better job... Well, the point is, I CAN'T do a better job, no matter what I think. Okay, let me go back to the beginning...

Mel called me when she got home from work tonight to tell me that dad and Missy had been outside having a cigarette and dad went in before Missy. When she got done with her cigarette, he was standing next to the refrigerator trying to hide his insulin syringe. She asked him what he was doing and he said he had just taken his insulin. She asked him why - apparently, it hasn't gotten through to her that dad doesn't know why he does things - he has no impulse control, which is why I guess thinking he was going to "learn" anything from taking away his phone was pretty stupid on our part. How stupid were we? So, to make a long story short, within 45 minutes Mel was hysterically crying and yelling at dad and God only knows what Missy was doing. I called the 24-hour Nurse line at VA to see if taking this dose of insulin was going to cause any problems for him, but the nurse I talked to said she was more worried about dad's mental health. I called Mel back and asked if she thought dad needed to go to the hospital. Yes, she did, so I called Cindy back and she did some triaging to get dad admitted to the VA through the ER. I called Mel back to let her know. Again more screaming and yelling with dad going on in the background, she said he wouldn't go and refused to get in the car. Fuck. I told her I'd call 911. Pardon me while I laugh at the notion the police were going to be of any help to us...

The squad came and then the police came and the officers told Mel there was nothing they could do. Who cares if this was possibly a third suicide attempt in a little over a year, the second one in a month? He didn't want to go, he didn't have to go. Great. The female officer finally kept talking with dad long enough to think he was a danger to himself and she said they would transport him to the VA - since that's who I had talked to. Stupid me. The male officer refused to EPC dad, but finally agreed to take him in and EPC him. Big FAT LIAR.

I got a call from the M3 about 8:30, since dad is so healthy and we had him taken to the ER, and there was NO EPC hold on him, they were thinking of releasing him to the family. Oh hell no. I talked to her for almost half an hour trying to explain the things that are going on with dad. She said she'd talk to her attending and then call me back. Well, she never called me back, but dad called a little after midnight, telling me he had been admitted and was "probably" going to be able to come home tomorrow afternoon. Great.

In the meantime, I had talked to Mel who told me she's going to ask Marc for the money to move out because she can't do this anymore. Which I would understand, except she and dad had a great weekend and everything was great. Sometimes I feel like someone in the Exorcist, my head must be spinning between is she going to go, or is she going to stay? It changes daily, sometimes hourly, I swear. I understand it's a struggle, but when one day she says she'd never leave until dad gets into a nursing home and the next day she says she's not staying, what the HELL am I supposed to believe? What exactly am I supposed to depend on, is she going to be there to help or not? Missy had called her and said, "I guess I need to keep a closer eye on dad". Well, no shit, Sherlock! What gave you your first clue? Maybe the conversation we had 2 weeks ago when I said she had to stop sleeping until noon and really WATCH dad and keep an eye on him because you can't trust him for five minutes by himself. Of course the days she managed to be there last week, she slept until noon almost every day and left dad on his own while she slept. Or let him to to Boyd and Charlie's for dinner and left her number for them to call when he was done eating and found him trying to walk home? Would you let a 4-year-old child spend an evening alone in a diner to take care of himself and have the wait staff call you when he's done?

And the freaking cop that wouldn't EPC dad... Grrrrrr. I tried to call the assembly about 4 times tonight and got no answer, even when it should have been shift change. I'll call again tomorrow. I'm so stressed all I want to do is cry - which gets me nowhere since Steve could give a shit less about the entire thing. I know I'm going to be paying for this bullshit for days. And to top it all off... Tomorrow I have to go to the dentist. Does it get any better? So, I'm sad, mad, hurt, lonely, irritated and stupefied by all this crap.

Mel told me after all this happened, she went upstairs and Missy was curling her hair so she could go to Tony's birthday party. Glad this whole thing affected her so much. Where is that girl's BRAIN? Is anyone even sure she freaking has one??'

And I went off on Mel too, about how it would be nice if that skanky bitch that dad used to be married to (namely our beloved mother) would give up on the money she's still getting from him. Dad NEEDS it, and the only reason she wants it is because every month she can again feel like she's screwing dad over again. Selfish bitch. Times like this piss me off at her even more than the Queen of Bitches usually does. She's so full of unhelpful advice I can't stand it. Give back the money or shut the fuck up, mother dear. You're beginning to annoy the hell out of me.

Must sleep.

How to make 5 hours seem like 5 days...

Hmmmm. Steve came upstairs and I thought he was coming to bed, so I cut short my very interesting and funny conversation with my sister of the soul, India - I'm talking about you - and then he went back downstairs. Well hell. I guess this is one way to get me to write in my blog!

Today dad had an appointment at the VA. Oy... I don't mind taking him to the doctor, I really don't, I actually LIKE to take him, because then I know what's going on with him, health-wise, but today was quite literally the... POOPS. I won't go into detail, suffice it to say that dad came home in a diaper and 2 hospital gowns, because apparently the VA doesn't know men wear anything other than a size medium PJ pants. Quite interesting. Thankfully, since I have cloth car seats, we all came out of the situation unscathed. Except for dad's dignity, I think that was bruised a bit.
Dr. Greene thinks his shin pain are shin splints, possibly caused by mineral deficiencies. I'm open to suggestions. She did more bloodwork to double check and hopefully we'll hear soon. His HgA1c was higher than last time. He was a perfect 6.0 in April, but it's up to 7.3 now. Working on getting dad to drink more water that keeps his blood diluted enough that his blood sugar stays on the higher end of normal, which is as good as we can hope for by now.

It was just a really busy day. Dr. Greene was running behind, dad and I were late getting to the hospital because we had to stop at SW precinct for dad's billfold, which was with Mel at the VA already because we didn't get the message that she'd meet us there. Dad took his insulin without eating anything because Missy didn't wake up until noon and didn't fix anything for him, but dad was worried about missing the insulin. He doesn't remember that he HAS to eat when he takes the insulin. Thankfully he didn't get hypoglycemic, although I would have shared my lunch with him if he had. I had an Almond Joy for lunch (and breakfast - one half for each meal). I had a water chaser too, that was special. No pain pills either, until 5:45 p.m. Maybe that's what made the day so long. Mel and dad got into it about his phone (yes, again.... Wait, maybe it's still....) She left for a job interview for a part time job on that note. It has to be so hard to live with him when he's so difficult. I know I couldn't deal with it on a day to day basis. When I took dad home this afternoon Missy told me that dad went to a neighbor's house and used his phone to call Pam last night. I'm not pointing fingers, believe me, but how did he manage to get out of the house to even go to the neighbors? He makes it so difficult to keep an eye on him.

I'm anxious to hear from the VA to find out about whether dad got on the admission list or not. I seriously don't know what we're going to do if he didn't. We, and that includes me, just can't give him the kind of care he needs - and we sure as hell don't have the money to pay for a regular nursing home. He would HAVE to sell the house before he could be eligible for Medicaid and then where would he live while waiting to be placed? I'd love to say we could find room for him here - well to be honest, we COULD find room for him here, but I know I can't take care of him by myself and Steve, yeah, oh boy, Steve. That's the biggest fly in the ointment. He doesn't like dad and doesn't make any bones about it, so he probably wouldn't even LET dad stay here, even if my health would allow me to be able to care for him.

Another little incident happened this week too, dad went to Boyd and Charlie's for dinner. Apparently Missy took him over there and dropped him off (does anyone understand what dementia means?) and left her phone number with someone at the restaurant so they could call when dad was done with dinner and she'd come pick him up. Well, nobody called until they noticed dad was gone, so when Missy found him he was about 2 blocks from there, shuffling alone, in 100 degree heat. Can you feel the frustration? If I say anything to either one of the sisters, then they get mad at me and tell me if I can do better to go ahead and do it, which they know I can't, so we're back at square one, only no one is talking to anyone. I'm not bringing these things up as a criticism of my sisters personally, just staying that dad requires more care than he can get at home. Period. Something needs to be done before he gets hurt. Worse.

I have to wonder what his darling wife had to say to him yesterday. Wonder if she even noticed he hadn't called her for a couple weeks. Probably not. I told Mel today that maybe we need to stop making the house payment to pay for someone to come in during the day to be with dad. Can't make the house payment and get someone to come in both, there just isn't enough money - so it has to be one or the other. What do people do in situations like this? I'm sure my dad isn't the only person in the country who can't afford nursing home care or in home care and still be able to afford living expenses. I sure feel like we're the only people dealing with this though.

I'd like to end this on a happier note, but there just isn't one today. Well, I did get to come home and Steve fixed dinner AND took care of the dishes. I guess that's a pretty happy note. La la la la la.... Ben missed me while I was gone too. Poor little guy, I took a pain pill and we tried to nap before dinner. I'm so glad I have him - he's my best buddy.

My funny photo of the day - doesn't Matt look like a Conehead?