The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

All in all, yesterday was a good day. I totally spaced off that I had to be dad's chauffeur for a doctor's appointment, and he called to wake me up at 9:30 for his 10:30 appointment, but I just tossed on some clothes and we made it without too many laws being broken. I thank God every time I have to go to dad's house for the Dodge Expressway. Dr. G was very pleased with dad's good mood and that he seemed to be doing a bit better. I am too, I think. When he has good days and acts like dad again, it's hard to know that he'll be moving to a nursing home in the pretty near future. I feel like the bad daughter when I think about it.

While we were still at the doctor, my friend Nancy called and asked if I wanted to meet for lunch at Big Fred's at 1:30. Great idea! I had a couple ideas I wanted to run by her, to see if she'd be willing to volunteer with me in keeping grave sites clean and maybe restoring stones if families requested it. Steve got off at 1:00, so he met us there, and Nancy brought her husband, Craig, so we had a really good lunch. Spent 2 hours talking about genealogy and cemetery cleaning, and all that good stuff. Dad has wanted to go to Big Fred's for lunch too, but we got done at the clinic before noon and I didn't want to sit there that long - so I took him to Bronco's and he was happy with that. It kind of irritates me that Missy was home all day yesterday, but she couldn't take him - at least take him to my house. It's 30 miles round trip and my husband/boyfriend/whatever doesn't put gas in my car or pay my repair bills if the car breaks down. (Okay, that's a moot point since I have a 100,000 mile warranty, but you get my drift.) When I got home, I called India and we had a good chat - and that was the end of the good part of the day.

By 6 o'clock yesterday the aches had hit me pretty bad and my left wrist was so sore I couldn't hardly move my fingers. I haven't had that kind of joint pain for a while, and I haven't missed it. Then the rest of the body aches set in and that was the end of me for the rest of the day. I spent the rest of the night trying to get comfortable. Took my Ambien at 11 and was still wide awake at 1:30, just very uncomfortable.

This morning I woke up feeling pretty good. Folded 3 laundry baskets full of clothes and put them away and was thinking about going to the store when I felt the first aches coming on. I jumped in the shower, only to find that it hurt like heck when the water hit my skin, that may have been the shortest shower - ever, but I did take one! Steve power washed the house today, it really really needed it - and it looks much better. I thought I might run to the store and then make chicken enchiladas for dinner, but thinking about it was as far as it went. I ended up sleeping or laying down most of the day. I finally got up about dinner, but still don't feel worth a darn.

We did decide to go to the grocery store after Steve ate, that was kind of creepy. We stopped to get some gas and noticed there was a lot of traffic on 90th Street, and when we got to the store, I wasn't sure I wanted to get out of the When we came out, the parking lot was clear, but the traffic was at a standstill as far as we could see on 90th Street - I wonder what was going on. We went to McDonald's for an ice cream cone and by the time we came back home, 90th was clear. Odd. If I had been alone, I'm not sure I would have gone in the store, it was very unsettling since I've been hearing all kinds of news about the flash mobs and the riots that went on at the Wisconsin State Fair.

Kind of sad Magann didn't call me about shopping today, although I don't think I could have worked up the energy to go. I'll have to call her tomorrow, because I really want to make the gift bags for Hailey's party, even if I have to buy the stuff. I'm feeling disconnected from Hails since I don't see her very much any more. Part of it's probably just plain old jealousy because I think she sees Magann's parents a lot more, but I'm really happy they love her so much. Talk about conflicted feelings. I just want Hailey to be happy - that's what counts!

Meg and Jason can't keep the dog they found. As a matter of fact, they took him to the pound yesterday. Their idiot landlord wouldn't let them have him. She said he's get too big. Glad she's such an expert on dogs (not). It's none of my business, except I love dogs so much and he was so sweet and affectionate, just a good dog that somebody dumped, who would have had a good home with Jason and Meg. It's not like the dog could possibly do any damage to that house either. It's a pit, which Meg and Jason are trying hard to fix up to make it habitable by someone other than college kids. The paint in the living room was horrifying and it's such a tiny house with a tiny yard... Anything that dog could have done in that house would have been an improvement, including chewing through the walls. Their landlord would best be considered a slumlord, IMHO.

There you go. The good, the bad, and the ugly. I'm trying to get to bed early tonight in hopes I'll feel better tomorrow. I'd like to make it to breakfast for a change. Something other than mini-wheats would be a good change.

Oh, oh, oh....

Found a cool site on FB the other night and spent half the night reading about it. Might be able to do volunteer work maintaining grave sites. I think there might be some income potential here, but Steve would have to do the majority of the stuff. Don't know how much actual physical stuff I can do, but it doesn't sound half bad. I have to just get up in the morning when Steve does instead of sleeping all my energy and pain free (ha ha ha), I mean relatively pain free time in the beginning of the day. Nancy and Craig invited me to go with them to work on a cemetery near Woodbine, IA, on Saturday, but I'm supposed to go with Magann to get supplies and stuff for Hailey's birthday and I told her I'd do the gift bags, so not sure if I can make it or not. I HAD planned on having lunch with Nancy tomorrow, but that ain't gonna happen with dad's doctor's appointment at 10:30. She could probably give me some good advice. I'll have to see how I'm feeling and whether or not this is going to be a viable interest. More work than photos, but I haven't been doing that either. I need to get out and do SOMETHING, it might as well be something I enjoy.

Happy day, but a little frustrating

Happy Day because I didn't have to get my tooth pulled today. I still have to have it done, but Dr. P., said he wouldn't do it unless I had sedation because it's a pretty bad tooth and since it's already had a couple root canals done and there's not much actual tooth to grasp, he's afraid it's going to break and come out in pieces and he's worried about problems with the bone, so it's scheduled for next Wednesday. I feel much better knowing that it's going to be done under sedation. Too bad I have to have it done at all. I blame my mother for my rotten teeth, she had horrible teeth herself and looked like a horse until she got her dentures when I was a baby - and seriously, I don't remember having a toothbrush around when I was growing up. Seriously. Never went to the dentist unless we had a toothache and didn't have regular checkups. I'm sure my mom would remember differently though. Once in school we got these dental hygiene kits and you chewed this red tablet and then brushed your teeth and then looked to see where your teeth were still red, so you'd know where you had to brush again or spend more time brushing. I was enthralled with that toothbrush and that's when I really learned to brush my teeth and try to take care of them. Thanks mom, for everything. And I just have to say it, Dr. P. isn't too bad to look at. Nice to have eye candy for an oral surgeon... I'm just sayin'.

Tuesday dad had an appointment with Dr. Green, which no one could take him to, so I had called the VA and rescheduled his appointment for Friday at 10:30 I told Mel and Missy both that I was getting this tooth taken care of today, so one of them would have to take him. So... Guess who's taking dad to the doctor tomorrow? That's right -- ME. I'd like to tell them to forget it, but of course they had dad call me to ask if I'd take him - three frigging times. I missed his first 2 calls and the 3rd time I my phone was at Meg's because I forgot my purse over there. I called him back and told him I'd take him and he wanted to know where I had been this afternoon. I reminded him again that I had had a dental appointment. He apologized for bothering me and told me he forgot - of course he did, he has dementia. I have no idea why no one else conveniently forgot. I'm really trying not to be ticked off about this, and I didn't call either one of them about it - yet. Oh, and did I mention he was calling from HIS PHONE? The one nobody was going to let him have back? I guess this whole idea of all of us making decisions together is too inconvenient when I'm not doing something for everyone else. This is why when Mel and Missy got so mad at me a couple months ago because I allegedly don't "do" enough for dad, I wasn't too upset to hear they didn't need me and were going to do everything themselves. Yeah, that lasted about 3 days until they needed me to do something and then we had to work together for "dad's sake". And I'm a stupid fool because I thought maybe we were going to work on stuff together. Ha ha ha... You know, I'm the one that's supposed to be leading by example and doing the "right thing" to help them out. Of course I'd be the biggest bitch in the world if I ask why Mel could take 3 days off work while dad was in the hospital, but can't take time off to take him to the doctor. It doesn't matter what I do, it's going to be the wrong thing. I'm pretty sure they're expecting me to be the one to tell dad that he's going to the VA home too. It'll be just like the time "we" talked to him about going to the Norfolk home. I did all the talking while Missy and Mel stood there with their arms crossed like they didn't agree with what I was saying and didn't way one freaking word. Not doing it again. I'm not the one who has to live with him, am I? They throw that back in my face often enough I ought to toss it right back. I know they think I just sit around all day playing computer games, oh, wait, that was Amber... Pretty sure they all think the same thing and I'm pretty damn tired of worrying and trying to do what's best for dad and having everyone agree with me and then blow everything off. It was almost a month ago I said I thought maybe dad should be getting more socialization, going back to SarahCare at least for the time the VA would pay for (two days a week, but hey, better than nothing). The doctor agreed, Mel agreed, Missy agreed - and dad still hasn't gone anywhere. Mel was going to check with ENOA, which she finally did, but then they had to do some BS and they were going to call her back, blah, blah, blah... Meanwhile, dad sits at home and everybody gets frustrated because of his behavior or lack thereof, and when he pulls some stupid ass prank like drinking antifreeze, I'm the one they're going to call. Again. Am I the only person who can see a pattern here?

One more little rant and I'm done. It's 30 miles from my house to dad's and back. So tomorrow I'm going to leave my house and drive to dad's to get him, then back past my house to the VA, then back past my house again to take him back home and then back home. About 70 miles in total and for the FIRST time, I'm going to ask dad for gas money. He's covered the gas bill, electric bill, and paid for groceries because no one ever has any money and I've never taken a frigging dime, but enough is enough. He can give me $20 for gas, and if he wants to go out to lunch, he can pay for that too. My time is worth just as much as anybody else's in the family.

I'm pretty sure that by the time I get to this blog at night and write how I feel that I'm pretty much the biggest bitch in the world. I hate that. I am happy and I do have good friends that I have a good time with, but this shadow of dad and all the shit that goes on with him really overshadows everything - although I don't do anything for him... A little understanding from my spouse might be nice too. He did take the afternoon off work to go to the oral surgeon with me, but he told me work has been boring lately and there hasn't been anything to do anyway. Gee, thanks.

We went over to Meg and Jason's tonight and moved Meg's bed to the new house. I wonder if they're ever going to get moved. I can't stand to be in transition for days and days. When I move, I want to move and be done with it.

Some other really good news is that Meg and Jason found a dog. I mean, this dog literally showed up at their old house tonight and wouldn't leave. He kept jumping up in the truck and didn't want to get out. He's a very nice dog, I think maybe a pitt and Boxer mix. They asked around the neighborhood and a lady down the street said she had been taking care of him for about a week, but he wasn't her dog, he just showed up one night. He's a real sweetie, but very afraid of the leash. He had no collar or tags, so Meg used the leash in a slip knot to use as a collar/leash combination and as soon as he put it over his head he just lay down in the grass and wouldn't move. Just absolutely refused to move an inch with it on, and he was very submissive. Makes me wonder if someone had hurt him. He didn't have any marks on him, but he definitely has a story. When they brought my purse back to our house they still hadn't decided on a name for him. Brittany wants to call him "Bob", but Meg refused. She told Britt her grandpa's name is Bob and she wasn't going to name her dog the same thing. I think they should call him "JD" for "Just Dog", but they weren't sure about that. He really likes Jason and followed him around the house like a... Well, like a puppy! They can have dogs in their new house, so I hope it works out for all involved.

I guess that's all the complaining I can do for one night. ha ha ha.... Things will be better tomorrow, right? RIGHT?

Well today sucked - except for ONE thing!

One thing was great! The VA in Grand Island called about dad. Woo hoo! Maybe we'll be all done with this crap sooner rather than later. I have to call his lawyer tomorrow; he wants more money. We just gave him $500 and as far as I can tell, he hasn't done a damn thing. He never sends out itemized bills either. BS. I need to tell him that if dad... No, WHEN dad goes into the nursing home, his gravy train is going to be derailed. Dad will only have $229 a month for personal expenses. BTW, Dad got a notice today that one of his many creditors is suing him for credit card debt... What the heck ever... I suppose when you haven't paid any bills because you can't get the damn bankruptcy attorney you hired (and paid a retainer to) to call you back and you haven't made a payment on anything in a year they're getting unhappy. Oh well. Let them put a lien on the house. Ha ha ha... There ya go, Pam! I have no idea why Missy called me about it - I guess just to tell me. It's not like I've got a spare 100 grand sitting around to take care of his bills with.

Went to see Dr. E., the orthopod today. I have to have the hardware removed from my right ankle. Great news, huh? Shit, is what I think. I have to stay pretty much off my feet for a week, pretty sure my house will go to HELL during that week. It would be nice to think Steve would take care of things, but I have a feeling when I'm able to get out of bed there will be dishes stacked to the ceiling, just waiting for me to feel better. I tried to get some styrofoam plates at the store last week and he got all pissed off - probably because he was paying for them. He wanted to know why we were getting them and I told him I don't usually feel good enough to do the dishes and he won't do the dishes. I put them back, under protest. Hell, if I lived by myself all I'd need is a spoon and a bowl. I could live on cereal. Isn't my life a freaking sideshow?

He's mad at me right now and not talking because I told him he didn't need to add 1/4 of a cup of olive oil to 2 cups of cooked spaghetti. He asked me if I wanted to do it. I don't remember exactly what I said, but I know it wasn't nice. His martyr act gets pretty old. For some reason tonight I was remembering one night when we got into a fight at the dinner table about some stupid thing. Neither one of the kids were home and he was ragging about something when I just snapped. I swear.. I'm giggling like an idiot as I type this... I just picked up my glass of water and tossed the water right in his face. OMG! LOL! I wish I had a picture of his face at that exact minute. I don't even know what possessed me to do such a thing, but it was funnier than hell. I've never done such a thing before or since, but I have to admit it felt pretty damn good that time!

Tomorrow is wisdom tooth extraction day. Whoopee. Steve's taking the afternoon off to take me. What a guy, right? I was reading the website for the doctor the other day and it said that all the nurses are trained in Advanced Life Support and there is a nurse for every room, and everyone else is traibed in Basic Life Support. Then it hit me - am I supposed to be comforted by that? Actually, it had quite the opposite effect! I don't want to think of anyone having to use either one while I'm at the damn DENTIST!!! I don't know why I'm such a chicken turd about my mouth, but I am. I HATE having shots in the mouth, I HATE the thought of having a tooth pulled, and I HATE the fact that tomorrow at this time I'm probably going to feel like dog crap. Maybe I should just have them sedate me, but that creeps me out too. I don't want sedation in a dentist's office. Okay, so he's an oral surgeon and not a plain old "dentist", but still. It's just not right. Of course the good part is if they knock you out, you just wake up when it's over. (Hopefully.) The bad part of Novocaine are the shots, the pressure, the cracking... Oh hell, I might just get sick thinking about it. WTF.

Then I start thinking about this leg thing. Dr. E asked me if I wanted a spinal or light general. Are you freaking KIDDING me?!?! Nobody is ever going to mess with my spine again! I thought that epidural with Matt was going to kill me, and they want me to let some joker inject crap into my spine again. Oh HELL no. I'll go with the "light" general, thanks. Does "light" mean low calorie? What? Which brings me back to the tooth - hopefully I'll lose a couple (50) pounds or so while I can't eat. Which brings me to another question, just what the hell am I going to eat? I can't see Steve whipping up some mashed potatoes just for me. Pudding maybe. Or ice cream - yum... There go those 50 pounds... Damn. He better make it Breyer's, if we have to go the ice cream route.

Okay, back to the leg. It shouldn't take too long, right? Cut it open, use a drill, remove the screws (I think there are 9 or 10), sew it up. How long can that take? Maybe they can just give me a bullet to bite on and I'Ill save a couple grand on anesthesia. I wish Dr. E still went to Immanuel, I love the anesthesiologist over there - Dr. Drobny. He knows how freaked out I get with those "light" general things when they put stuff over my face. Hopefully, this anesthesiologist will get the idea. I need to get the walker from dad - he doesn't use it anyway. Crutches just kill my shoulders. I'm kind of paranoid about getting this plate removed. I can't tell you how many times I've twisted my ankle since I broke it, I think the plate is all that saved me from breaking it again, so now I'll be paranoid about it, which will just make me more clumsy. Oh hell... Whatever happens, happens.

I gave Cookie a bath tonight. Poor girl. I HAD to, she smelled like Casey Anthony's car - death, in case you didn't know the story. She smelled awful! So, I gave her a bath. She still smells awful, but now she's apple-scented awful. God. Poor baby has such bad teeth - oh no, don't get me started on THAT again.

I'm going to grab my Kindle and read a bit. I've got 29 pages of books to read. Not 29 books, 29 PAGES of books, something like 232 or something close to that. Most of them were free too - polishing nails on my shirt - I'm cool like that. Last night I found a free Kindle app on my iPod, so I can read my Kindle books on there - as if... That'll make you blind for sure, and you won't have much fun in the process.

Hasta la bye bye

Fibro Sucks

I had 2 bad days last week, then felt okay for a couple days, and today am in bed again! The weather has cooled off and we've had some storms and rain, so I think that might be it. Funny to think that several months ago 70 degrees was warm, but now it's cool and damp. Ugh. How are you ever supposed to learn to deal with this and maybe even TRY to predict how I'm going to feel in 24 hours? I think that's what I hate most, the unpredictable. I'ma total control freak, which has been hard to give up anyway, but sometimes it's worse than other times. Today I wanted to try to go for a walk when I got up since it's been cooler and drier, but instead when I woke up my right ankle was hurting, it feels like my leg is going to give out when I walk. Every step gives me a sharp pain all the way up the side and back of my leg. I decided to just stay hanging around in bed. I had to take a pain pill early this morning, which I hate to do because I can't fall back to sleep and get the sweats and have stupid dreams. Which is exactly what happened. I finally fell asleep about 8:15, and woke up at 8:45 to the sound of Toby retching. Then he puked and had diarrhea before I could get out of bed and get to him. I got all that cleaned up and put him in the little room, I found more poop under his blanket. So much for taking it easy! Steve came home and took care of him at lunch - no more messes, but now he's been whining all afternoon until I'm about ready to scream. I love my dog, I love my dog, I love my DOG... I hate fibro, I hate fibro, I hate FIBRO! All I want to do is have a freaking LIFE. I don't want this crap anymore. I'm tired of it. I'm tired of being tired, I'm tired of the pain, I'm tired of not being able to clean my house the way I used to, I'm tired of not being able to be the grandma I want to be with Hailey, I'm just tired of being ME. I'd like to be someone else for awhile. Please.

Cindy and I got a chance to visit last night. I hadn't talked to her in awhile. I miss my friends and doing stuff when I feel like it. One year Cindy and I went to Lauritzen Gardens and took photos of the flowers. It was so much fun. I can't even imagine doing that now. Well, maybe on a good day, when I have one, which is pretty darn seldom, and then only maybe. I haven't taken any pictures this summer. No graving for me. I miss it. I feel like I waited all winter so I could get out and now summer is almost over. Hell.

Dad is coming home from the hospital today. I think he's home by now. Now, we only have to make sure the followup care happens. We need to make sure he gets into a day program to keep him socialized. He's been much mellower this week, even Steve noticed last night that he seemed to be more like the old dad. He said he hadn't seen dad act like this since he moved back from Arizona, and I have to agree. He says he's still going through with this divorce and he doesn't want anything more to do with Pam, which he's said umpteen thousand times, but sounds believable this time. I told him he should write it down somewhere, so when he gets depressed and feels down about things he can see where he wrote it, in his own handwriting! I was only half-kidding.

We got the letter from the VA in Lincoln - yay! So dad is officially now on the list for admission to any one of the Nebraska Veterans Homes. We had a talk with him last spring, telling him we were going to do it and that we were going to walk away from the house, but I know he doesn't remember it, so I'm anticipating having a really hard time when the time comes, but we'll deal with that when it happens. I'm just relieved to have the decision made - at long last.