Monday, August 8, 2011

Fibro Sucks

I had 2 bad days last week, then felt okay for a couple days, and today am in bed again! The weather has cooled off and we've had some storms and rain, so I think that might be it. Funny to think that several months ago 70 degrees was warm, but now it's cool and damp. Ugh. How are you ever supposed to learn to deal with this and maybe even TRY to predict how I'm going to feel in 24 hours? I think that's what I hate most, the unpredictable. I'ma total control freak, which has been hard to give up anyway, but sometimes it's worse than other times. Today I wanted to try to go for a walk when I got up since it's been cooler and drier, but instead when I woke up my right ankle was hurting, it feels like my leg is going to give out when I walk. Every step gives me a sharp pain all the way up the side and back of my leg. I decided to just stay hanging around in bed. I had to take a pain pill early this morning, which I hate to do because I can't fall back to sleep and get the sweats and have stupid dreams. Which is exactly what happened. I finally fell asleep about 8:15, and woke up at 8:45 to the sound of Toby retching. Then he puked and had diarrhea before I could get out of bed and get to him. I got all that cleaned up and put him in the little room, I found more poop under his blanket. So much for taking it easy! Steve came home and took care of him at lunch - no more messes, but now he's been whining all afternoon until I'm about ready to scream. I love my dog, I love my dog, I love my DOG... I hate fibro, I hate fibro, I hate FIBRO! All I want to do is have a freaking LIFE. I don't want this crap anymore. I'm tired of it. I'm tired of being tired, I'm tired of the pain, I'm tired of not being able to clean my house the way I used to, I'm tired of not being able to be the grandma I want to be with Hailey, I'm just tired of being ME. I'd like to be someone else for awhile. Please.

Cindy and I got a chance to visit last night. I hadn't talked to her in awhile. I miss my friends and doing stuff when I feel like it. One year Cindy and I went to Lauritzen Gardens and took photos of the flowers. It was so much fun. I can't even imagine doing that now. Well, maybe on a good day, when I have one, which is pretty darn seldom, and then only maybe. I haven't taken any pictures this summer. No graving for me. I miss it. I feel like I waited all winter so I could get out and now summer is almost over. Hell.

Dad is coming home from the hospital today. I think he's home by now. Now, we only have to make sure the followup care happens. We need to make sure he gets into a day program to keep him socialized. He's been much mellower this week, even Steve noticed last night that he seemed to be more like the old dad. He said he hadn't seen dad act like this since he moved back from Arizona, and I have to agree. He says he's still going through with this divorce and he doesn't want anything more to do with Pam, which he's said umpteen thousand times, but sounds believable this time. I told him he should write it down somewhere, so when he gets depressed and feels down about things he can see where he wrote it, in his own handwriting! I was only half-kidding.

We got the letter from the VA in Lincoln - yay! So dad is officially now on the list for admission to any one of the Nebraska Veterans Homes. We had a talk with him last spring, telling him we were going to do it and that we were going to walk away from the house, but I know he doesn't remember it, so I'm anticipating having a really hard time when the time comes, but we'll deal with that when it happens. I'm just relieved to have the decision made - at long last.

1 comment:

Inja said...

Someday if we BOTH feel good, maybe we can go out and take photos at OUR leisure? Plus, is that normal for Toby to be so uncomfortable like that? Where he's crying? I know the pooping is because of his health. Maybe you and I need a good laugh. I told R. That I want to let you use our hot tub sometime, but that the house HAS to be acceptable for human beings! As usual, he said "uh huh". But nothing about helping me out. In fact, I talked to my doc about his possible brain damage from that seizure? And he agreed that may account for his huge change in his behavior. But there's no way he'd agree to get a test to see what's going on or if it could even be helped.