Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Not bad for a Monday - thoughts on motherhood...

Hailey got to come over today for awhile while Magann took a test. It was a very welcome surprise - I could use more Mondays like that! I actually was awake early to make phone calls to dad's hospital, lawyer, and the Board of Mental Health, so when Matt called I was thinking about trying to go back to bed, but spending time with Hailey was a much better option.
We got her trike out and she rode a little bit in the driveway. She's finally getting the hand of the pedals, but doesn't quite have the coordination to put with alternating feet to keep it going, but at least the whole concept is getting more familiar. I have some pinwheels in my front yard, I get them every summer in memory of my dogs that I've lost and Hailey always wants to put them somewhere other than where I have them, so we moved them around a bit until she was satisfied with the end result. By then it was time for a Goldfish break, so the dogs had fun begging for food. I have to laugh at Hailey and Toby... Toby has been known to try to nip her on the bottom, so she walks around with her right hand on her behind, saying, "NO, TOBY! My butt!" while he follows her around the house. I'm going to have to get an actual video of it before she outgrows doing it because it just cracks me up!

Didn't go see dad today. I thought about it, but that's about as far as it got. Tomorrow Meg wants us to come to Fremont to have ice cream with her, so don't know if I'll make it tomorrow night or not. The BOMH hearing is tomorrow and I think we have to be there... I plan on being there anyway, Not sure what to expect with that. I must be worrying a bit about it, I'm still awake at nearly 1 a.m. Yes, amitriptyline and Ambien are long gone and still no sleep.

A former co-worker passed away last week and I just found out about it the other day. For some reason it's really bothering me. We weren't very close - she worked on call nights and I worked days, but when we both worked at the hospital our shifts overlapped by about an hour, so I saw her every once in awhile. I liked working with her, she really was one of those who worked hard when she came in, even though she managed to chat a little. Very nice girl. I can't decide what bothers me more, that she was 4 years younger than I am, or that she left behind her 7-year-old son. Both, I guess. Fifty isn't old, and that's scary/sad, but to leave a little boy just breaks my heart. She passed away on July 4th and all I can think of is that for the rest of his life that little guy will always associate fireworks with his mom's death. Kind of like how I hate poinsettias because my grandmother died in December and that's ALL she had at her funeral. Ugh. I hate those things. I wonder, too, how much he'll remember of his mom - who absolutely adored him, by the way. My "Poppy" died when I was six, and as much as I'd like to say I have vivid memories of him, I just don't. I remember him, but more like a dream, his voice is altogether gone from my memory. You wish you could hold onto those things and hug them to your chest and never let them go -- but at the time, you don't realize that one day those memories will be as dead as they are. I don't have one single picture of myself with him. None. That makes me sad, but at least I have pictures of him - so his face will never be erased from my memory.

When my kids were younger I guess I always lived with some kind of dread in the back of my mind that something would happen to be. Of course that was compounded by the fact that I was Meg's only parent, and Matt's father was... well, let's just say Matt needed his mom. I wasn't only afraid for them, I wanted to see them grow up, graduate, get married, have families of their own. I thought maybe I was over that a little now that they're both well into adulthood and out on their own - and then along comes Hailey... I don't want to miss watching her grow up, and I don't want her to forget me. Kind of silly when you think about it. Que sera sera and all that stuff. I guess my solution is to take lots of pictures - and lots of videos. Things have changed a bit since 1965 when Poppy died.

Well, I hope that somewhere that little boy finds joy in fireworks and he remembers every time he sees those flashes in the sky that his mommy loved him more than anything.

As far as life in general - hot, humid, nasty weather last night and we had storms come in late. Every fibro person knows what that means. Not much sleep and an achy today. Hope tonight is better, since I can't drive to the courthouse taking pain meds, so none until late tomorrow afternoon. I made dinner tonight, meatloaf, baked potatoes... Yummy. I thought maybe since I made dinner someone ELSE would clean the kitchen. Ha ha ha... Too funny! He disappeared right after dinner to go watch another astronomy lecture. I guess if I felt well enough to cook dinner, I should have felt well enough to clean the kitchen. Speaking of cleaning, our bedroom is getting out of hand. I have to clean the vanity, gross... Tonight I knew I had 2 Elavil in the palm of my hand, but somehow one kind of flipped out of my hand and I couldn't find it. I had to turn the "movie star" lights on around the mirror since their brighter. That was disgusting. Dim light is definitely better in this place... Anyway, I searched high and low, behind the door, under the sink, moved the box of winter clothes that I've been waiting to have taken downstairs since April... No pill. I finally gave up and got another one out of the bottle and went to take a drink to wash it down and found the first pill -- in the water glass! I have no idea how it got in there! Anyway, since I'm not sleepy, still achy, and no sleep in sight I'm going to take another one and see if that helps. I'll worry about cleaning tomorrow, after all, tomorrow IS another day.

PS - I'm annoyed that Blogger removed the spellcheck button from the new post page. Don't blame me if something is spelled wrong. It's their fault.


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