If you had asked me before last night how I felt about this whole thing with my dad, I would have told you it wasn't that big of a deal and I just wanted what was best for dad. Then last night I did't sleep at all. My mind wouldn't shut off. I finally gave up at 4:30 and just got up.
Then, of course, this morning, I feel like absolute dog poop from lack of sleep, then I had an anxiety attack and I feel as if I could burst into tears at any second. Of course I do, because I put makeup on today. I don't know how I can do this. I HATE the fact this is a 2-hour car ride away. I hate the thought of my dad living in some nursing facility. I hate the fact my dad has dementia. I hate, hate, hate this whole frigging mess. Most of all, I hate his damn wife for putting him in this position. What the hell. Or, maybe I hate my mother (even more) for not still being there. I mean, she was better than nothing. Not much, but a little. I hate the fact that she can't be a mother, that I don't have a mother to help shoulder a little bit of this load. I know no one thinks I'm sick, it's pretty obvious from the way everyone acts that I'm just fine and this is a bunch of bullshit that I dreamed up because, oh, I don't know, maybe I just want to sit around all day like a fucking lump and never feel like I'm a human anymore. Maybe it's really FUN to not sleep for 2 nights in the past 9 days because.... Because who the hells KNOWS why I haven't been able to sleep for 2 nights? Is it the fibro Is it the head injury residual? Did somebody slip some placebos in my Ambien? Or maybe Ambien isn't going to help me sleep anymore. I don't even want to think about that possibility.
Remember all those words George Carlin said you couldn't say on TV? Well, I want to say them all right now. That's how I feel. This is messed up and I don't want to do anything, but try to sleep. So, insert the words here and I'll try to concentrate on the fact that in 8 hours (hopefully less), I'll be home again. In my pajamas. Trying to sleep. Again.
Showing posts with label sleep. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sleep. Show all posts
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Friday, July 29, 2011
Dereaming....
The other day I started myself on a prednisone taper. I figured I'd be having odd dreams - and I wasn't wrong. I wonder about dreams sometimes anyway, where do those ideas come from?
The first odd dream I had included some old friends of mine from before I was married the first time. One of them even passed away about 4 years ago and I hadn't even spoken to him for about 30 years. Kind of odd that I would even have him be in a dream, wouldn't you think? I don't remember the whole dream, but it had something to do with going on a trip. Just odd.
Last night I dreamed that a girl I used to work with at the police station and I were going to an offsite to pick up some mail or something, but the offsite was my grandparents old duplex - that's been gone for 40 years. Once we went inside there were some policemen I recognized but can't remember their names and then one that I do know who has retired. I always wake up from these dreams thinking "What the hell was that about?" Why do you dream about people you "know", but aren't friends with and don't have any interaction with on a regular basis? Have to wonder what goes on in our memory, don't you? Sometimes when I dream things they're actually old memories that I can remember when I wake up, I remember places and doing things that I had forgotten - I can understand that, but other times? My grandma used to call nightmares "night hawks". I don't know why she called them that, but she did. She wouldn't let me eat cereal before bed because she said I'd have "night hawks" if I did. She had some funny ideas - and I didn't have any cereal the past 2 nights!
Something else that I think is strange, whenever I dream about my mom and dad, they're always still married - or at least still together. I never have dreams where Pam or Fred (mom's husband) appear, just mom and dad together. I never thought mom and dad would stay together, I always had the feeling they would end up divorced, so I don't think I was "traumatized" by the whole thing, so I feel like them always being together when I dream about them is creepy.
Oh well, enough analysis for tonight. I've already taken my Ambien so I probably won't even remember typing this tomorrow. Since I got home so late from taking dad to the doctor today I didn't take any prednisone, so we'll see what bizarre dreams I have (or not) tonight.
See you in my dreams (Bwa ha ha....)
The first odd dream I had included some old friends of mine from before I was married the first time. One of them even passed away about 4 years ago and I hadn't even spoken to him for about 30 years. Kind of odd that I would even have him be in a dream, wouldn't you think? I don't remember the whole dream, but it had something to do with going on a trip. Just odd.
Last night I dreamed that a girl I used to work with at the police station and I were going to an offsite to pick up some mail or something, but the offsite was my grandparents old duplex - that's been gone for 40 years. Once we went inside there were some policemen I recognized but can't remember their names and then one that I do know who has retired. I always wake up from these dreams thinking "What the hell was that about?" Why do you dream about people you "know", but aren't friends with and don't have any interaction with on a regular basis? Have to wonder what goes on in our memory, don't you? Sometimes when I dream things they're actually old memories that I can remember when I wake up, I remember places and doing things that I had forgotten - I can understand that, but other times? My grandma used to call nightmares "night hawks". I don't know why she called them that, but she did. She wouldn't let me eat cereal before bed because she said I'd have "night hawks" if I did. She had some funny ideas - and I didn't have any cereal the past 2 nights!
Something else that I think is strange, whenever I dream about my mom and dad, they're always still married - or at least still together. I never have dreams where Pam or Fred (mom's husband) appear, just mom and dad together. I never thought mom and dad would stay together, I always had the feeling they would end up divorced, so I don't think I was "traumatized" by the whole thing, so I feel like them always being together when I dream about them is creepy.
Oh well, enough analysis for tonight. I've already taken my Ambien so I probably won't even remember typing this tomorrow. Since I got home so late from taking dad to the doctor today I didn't take any prednisone, so we'll see what bizarre dreams I have (or not) tonight.
See you in my dreams (Bwa ha ha....)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)