Monday, December 22, 2014

Do You Ever Feel Like a Doormat?

I asked Steve tonight if he would just let bygones be bygones with my youngest sister. He told me he needs time to think about it. One thing that I've really come to understand and accept, especially in the past year since dad has been gone, is that life ends all too soon, and all too abruptly. There isn't always time for second chances. I'm also realizing (or admitting, take your pick) that my marriage is a constant game of one upmanship that Steve has to win. Quite frankly, I'm getting tired of playing. Things always go his way, or they don't go at all.

Example. About 6 years ago I said it would be nice if we started celebrating holidays (Christmas and Thanksgiving) as a family and his mom and Bob could take turns going to Sue's and our place. Up to this point, Sue and Smitty had one holiday at their house and we had the next at our place. Well, that went nowhere. Mom and Bob went to Sue's for Thanksgiving and Christmas, only coming to our house for bagels on Christmas morning. Of course this was my fault. Never mind that ever since we got  married we ALWAYS went to his mom's, and when his dad was alive we had to go there, too. It didn't help that my parents got divorced around the same time, so dad was with Pam ' s family and we weren't invited, and mom never seemed interested in family traditions. Several years dad has gone with us to Sue's or come here when we've had everyone over here. I've reiterated several times, especially since the kids grew up and had boyfriends, girlfriends, significant others, and children of their own, that I want to celebrate with our own family. It's especially difficult with Marisa sharing custody of Hailey. Still, we have to go to Sue's. Now, it's all the time since she's on oxygen. I don't WANT to go to their house every darn time. Sue's house is smaller, and I just want to stay home when it's cold. I always feel worse when I go out in the cold. How many times do I have to say it before it sinks in? Not to mention loading and unloading the car with food, gifts, etc., not to mention the menu never varies at their house and I think turkey soaked in wine tastes nasty, and so does stuffing inside the aforementioned bird. I try to bring different recipes for variety when we go, but it's always the exact same things cooked the exact same ways. Tradition is fine if it tastes good...

This really is going somewhere, I swear... So when Steve got mad at my sisters about 18 months ago, he told me they weren't allowed in "our" house. To be honest, at the time, I couldn't have cared less. I was dealing with all the repercussions of what had happened, and it was fine with me. Mel and I buried the hatchet before dad passed away, and technically, I'm no longer angry with Missy, but I just can't deal with her. Mel and I have always been close, we still are, so this ban on her coming to my house is getting ridiculous. She's my SISTER. Get over it already. Family is all you take with you into the eternities. I'm just tired of this. I told Steve I didn't want to go to Sue's for Thanksgiving. There is also another issue going on that I don't want to put on a blog, it's a family thing, and I don't enjoy the gossip and stories told about another person close to the family. I love this person and think others should be a lot kinder. I really dislike dealing with the whole mess, which is another reason I don't like to go. Well, I ended up going, even though I would have rather stayed home and had  frozen TV dinner.

Now comes Christmas and we've been invited for Christmas Eve. Since Meg and Jason are in Europe, and Matt, Margaret, and Hailey are coming over Christmas morning, we're "free" Christmas Eve. Great. So, once again I'll end up going just to keep the peace, while he thinks about letting my sister come over.

I always give in. I asked him to please at least tell me in advance when he and Tom plan on going to a gun show or go shooting. Ha ha ha. Never happens. It's like I don't exist. We had to buy a new carpet shampooer a few weeks ago. First, we went to one store, then he had to go see if it was cheaper at Walmart,  which involved going to an unfamiliar store, so we walked, walked, and walked some more, only to find out Walmart didn't have what he wanted, so back to the other store. He never even asked my opinion, what to you think about x versus y? Walked all over both stores in the meantime. I felt like crap by the time we were done. Why did I even have to go? If you're not going to let me help choose what WE are purchasing, go alone!

I just want to be recognized as a person, a partner, someone with half a brain...

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