Saturday, October 15, 2011

Ugh, life with fibro

There are days I just want to smack Steve upside the head, if I had the energy to follow through maybe I would. Today he gets up and says he's stiff and sore. Probably - the paintball game last night left some visible marks!!! But he had a good time. Then he decides he wants to go cut firewood. I hate having him go out to Cedars by himself, and I told him enough times last year, that this time he asked me if I wanted to go too. I really didn't. I don't know if it's from walking with that stupid boot on or what, but my left knee has been really painful the past couple of days, it feels hot and there's a really sharp pain on the outside of the knee. It only hurts when I move it . If I sit and don't move my knee, it's fine; if I stand and don't move the knee, it's fine, but if I walk or bend it one way or another while I'm sitting, it hurts like the dickens. Plus, I keep getting cramps in my left foot, even if I just stand in one place, like to take a shower. Don't know for sure what it's all about, but I'm thinking it's because of the boot - since my right hip hurts too. My knee feels almost like my joints used to feel when I first got sick, so maybe it's just rheumatism again. Who knows? What I do know is I'm sick to freaking death of Steve telling me he understands how I feel. He obviously does NOT know how I feel when he expects me to do things the way I used to. 

For instance, a week ago  I was having some particularly painful days and he decides to go shopping for dad's chair. It was a sweet gesture and I know he meant well, but we had to walk all over Nebraska Furniture Mart, and then when we didn't find anything there, he wanted to go to Mrs. B's! For the record, I'm glad we did since we found dad's chair there, but really? Or Tuesday this week, when I had hardly been out of bed all day I felt so miserable and then he asks if I want to go to Harbor Freight with him. NO! I do not want to walk all around the damn store while you look for an Allen wrench. No, I do not want to sit at the kitchen table and eat, because dangling my leg on those darn bar table height chairs makes my legs hurt. Just because you have arthritis in your hands does NOT mean you understand how I feel. When I have days that I don't sleep at all the night before, do not expect me to be a bundle of energy for at least 2 days. It takes me that long to feel like I've had any sleep at all. Yes, I take Elavil and Ambien CR to sleep, but that doesn't mean I sleep well. Even if I don't wake up when the dogs bark, I'm not getting good, refreshing sleep. Don't assume that I am. And as long as I'm that subject, I MUST have at least 8 hours of sleep (or more) before I can even begin to feel like I've slept at all. And since I do take the Elavil and Ambien, I sometimes am groggy the next morning. Why do you expect me to jump out of bed, into the shower, and off to run errands with you? It's been more than 15 years that I've been dealing with this crap, yet you expect me to be the same as I always was.

You may wake up with sore hands or sore feet - I realize you have arthritis, and I don't discount that, I know it's painful, but it's not like my pain. You can still function with your pain, I can't always function with mine. I have left grocery carts full of groceries halfway through the store because fatigue so intense that I don't think I can drive home will just roll over me like a wave. There are times I ache so bad in every muscle in my body that all I an manage to do is roll into a ball with my fleece blanket acting like a cocoon and hope in an hour or two I'll feel better.

I was really angry tonight when we drove home from cutting wood and you said you hands hurt so bad you needed one of my pain pills. No you don't. You can get down to Bag 'N Save for some Aleve, you don't need my hydrocodone. I get mad when you take my medicine because you don't realize that I have to account for my narcotics and if I'm not having enough because you're helping yourself to them for your arthritis pain, my doctor is going to think I'm taking more than I need and that's not going to help me keep a doctor that will prescribe this kind of medication.

Lastly, I want to say how much I do appreciate the work do do for me when I can't. I realize I'm no fun anymore, can't stay up past 10, have to be on disability since I can't keep up with a ob, I'm crabby because I'm in pain I'm stressed because of all the crap with my dad, and now all the crap and accusations Missy is flinging about is stressful. And you know stress = pain.  Here comes late October and you know chilly cold weather = pain. You know constant contact with the sun = more pain. Living a normal life means more pain. Sucks doesn't it? Welcome to my life. I'm grateful that I married such a talented cook, to take care of both of us. Now, If I could just convince you that cleaning floors (not even connected to dogs making messes) is a good idea... That's all for today. Just frustrated because I kept hearing how terrible you felt today and I'm sure you do, but I'm also sure you don't have 1/10th of the pain I have My lungs ache when I breathe, my fingers are cold and won't work, my thumbs ache, my eyes burn my knees hurt.... You went out to shop wood, I wouldn't have even gotten dressed. That's the difference in our pain.


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